


Baby Blue: Part 3

by thesecretdoor



Series: Baby Blue [3]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-10
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2018-10-18 14:14:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 40,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10618635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecretdoor/pseuds/thesecretdoor
Summary: In the fairy tales they fall in love and live happily ever after...but this isn't a fairy tale. How are two people, madly in love, supposed to stay away from each other?





	1. October 19th 2012

“Ueda, are you alright?” Maru asked, waving a hand in front of his face.

“Hm?” Ueda responded faintly, trying to drag his mind back to the present.

“I said are you alright? You’ve barely eaten anything...”

Ueda glanced down at his bowl of noodles, it was already cold and the noodles were starting to go soggy. “I’m not really hungry” he replied, putting down his chopsticks and pushing the bowl away.

Maru’s eyebrows knitted together in concern “Ueda...you’re always hungry...”

He tried to smile “Well I’ll just be twice as hungry later...”

“Well make sure you eat twice as much ok, you’re already too skinny.” Maru answered curtly.

“Yes Ojiisan” Ueda rolled his eyes.

There were a few more minutes of silence in which Maru picked at his food, glancing over the sports section of his newspaper.

“You should come over to my place later, we can hang out, play some video games or watch a movie or something...” Maru said suddenly.

Ueda was a little surprised, it had been a while since he’d spent time with Maru outside of work other than going for food. “Why?” he asked a little suspiciously.

“I just thought the company might be nice...I don’t have plans, and you probably aren’t used to spending so much time alone lately.”

He looked down at the table...that was certainly true. He hadn’t even really noticed just how much time he and Taguchi had spent together, and even if they weren’t physically together, they usually sent mails telling each other about their day. For the last week he’d felt almost cut off from the world.

“I didn’t mean to upset you” Maru continued “If you’d rather be alone then that’s alright...”

Ueda looked up finally, carefully rearranging his features into something more relaxed “No, thanks, maybe some company would be nice.”

Maru nodded, and Ueda couldn’t help but smile at the slightly relieved expression on his face “I’ve got filming until 6pm, so maybe come over around 7?”

Ueda nodded “Sure”

“I’d better get going now, I’ll see you later?” Ueda nodded but he got up aswell, putting some money on the table as they gathered their things and left, heading in separate directions.

He got back into his car, his head feeling a little light though strangely full of thoughts. Had he really been that obvious? He thought he was doing well to hide just how hard this break up was hitting him. He put great effort into smiling and laughing at work, going about his usual business as though everything wasn’t crumbling down around him.

It was only when he got back home, behind his safely locked door that he let down his facade. For the last few days he’d even been avoiding going home in an attempt to delay the misery he knew would overtake him. As a result he spent a lot more time out with the dogs on long runs, or at the gym, beating his anger and frustration out on the sandbags or his sparring partner. By the time he arrived home he was usually just exhausted enough to shower and crawl into bed where, for a short while, he gave in.

He wasn’t usually one to cry easily, but alone in his bed with no warmth pressed in along his back, no arms wrapped around him to keep his chest from tearing itself apart, the tears always came. His whole body ached, muscles tired from training, stomach cramped with hunger, but it all felt strangely detached, like his body was just a shell, a case to hold the erratically beating heart, a vessel for the hot fluid spilling down his cheeks. He didn’t know how he managed to drift to sleep, not with the way his head pounded and his whole body shook with his sobs, but sleep always came, deep, dark and dreamless.

Mornings were much easier, he would wake just as exhausted as he’d gone to bed, but it made it easier to go through the automated motions, get up, go to the bathroom, put on his track suit. He always started his day with a decent breakfast, no matter how much the idea of food nauseated him, he knew he needed the energy for his busy day, the last thing he needed was to make himself ill. Next he took care of the dogs, giving them a short walk and feeding them before going to shower. The shower did the most to wake him up, he let the hot water drain away the aches in his limbs and he always seemed to feel much fresher after washing his face and hair. He always took the time to dry and style his hair before applying a little concealer, just to take the edge off the dark rings under his eyes, and then after practicing his carefree smile a few times with his reflection he set out to work.

As agreed he pulled into the parking lot of Maru’s building, just after 7pm. He waited to be let in and then went up to Maru’s flat.

“Hey, come in, I just got back so I need to go shower but feel free to put the TV on or look through games and stuff.” Maru greeted him.

“Thanks” Ueda responded before heading into the familiar apartment and going straight for the couch. He amused himself flicking through the TV channels for a while, but there was nothing on, so instead he started raking through the games, feeling a small pang of sadness when he came across the fighting game he’d played with Taguchi, Maru and Koki, what felt like a lifetime ago.

“You ok?” Maru’s voice snapped him from his daze, he turned to see Maru dressed in sweatpants, rubbing at his wet hair with a towel. He looked back down and noticed he was still holding the game. “You want to play it?” Maru nodded towards the box in his hands.

“I’m not very good at it, I played it a few times with Taguchi but he always got frustrated with me.” He smiled but there was a bitter edge to it.

“That time when me and Koki were there...it kind of makes sense now, but...you weren’t there to play video games were you?”

He laughed aloud “Sorry, I wasn’t...but damn it, I thought you’d never get out”

Maru laughed back “That’s kind of messed up you know?”

“Hey, we’d already made plans before you and Koki invited yourselves over.” Ueda replied defensively. But then he was distracted by the box in his hands again, memories flooding his mind of their lazy afternoons screaming light-heartedly at each other as Taguchi beat him effortlessly at whatever game they played. The way he would get annoyed and pout until Taguchi felt sorry for him and put down the controller, kissing the pout from his lips. He could feel a lump rising in his throat and shook his head to dispel the images, he wouldn’t lose it, not now. “I don’t want to play this one” his voice sounded too thick to his own ears so he coughed to clear his throat as he placed the box back on the pile. “Let’s just watch a movie or something...” he got up and went back over to the sofa.

He knew Maru was watching him, had noticed his little mental breakdown so he just stared pointedly in the direction of the TV.”Ok, you pick something out, I’ll go get the table and a pot for nabe.”

He nodded, not finding the strength right now to argue, and so he flicked through the channels again before raiding Maru’s DVD collection. He eventually decided on Rambo, he knew it was one of Maru’s favourites so it would at least keep him distracted, also there was a convenient lack of any kind of love story to upset him, and he did quite like the film after all.

The gore and action kept him distracted enough from his inner turmoil to manage to eat a decent portion of the nabe that Maru was tending too, but once the credits started rolling the other man switched off the TV and pushed away the table before turning his full attention onto Ueda.

“What?” he asked, suddenly anxious from the scrutiny.

“So, what’s the deal with you and Taguchi now?” Maru asked, almost sounding as though he was attempting nonchalance.

“What do you mean?  There isn’t any deal...we ended it and that’s it...” he felt his palms turning sweaty, he didn’t know if he could do this, not yet, not without breaking down.

“Why did you end it?” Maru pushed.

“We told you...”

“You said that things were getting too serious...” Maru cut him off, Ueda nodded and waited for Maru to continue “Ueda...are you in love with him?”

He didn’t know what to say, he suspected that Maru knew...probably knew long before he did, but it seemed such a pointless question to ask once everything was over.

Maru must have felt how uncomfortable the pause was too, and he rushed to continue “I didn’t mean...I’m not accusing you or anything, I just...what I said in Hokkaido...it was stupid, and insensitive and I really didn’t mean to try and push you into sleeping with that girl, I was just...I was jealous of how close the two of you were getting...I don’t mean...I mean, I don’t like you that way, but I think of you as my best friend...and I didn’t like ”

He couldn’t help but smile a little at Maru’s confession “Even though I was spending more time with him, I didn’t spend any less time with you than I usually would.”

“I know...it was stupid really...and I should have been happy for you, but I was just kind of scared that he was going to take my best friend away from me...” Maru admitted, blushing a little.

“Baka...” Ueda scolded, hitting Maru’s head softly “My feelings for him don’t change anything between us...”

Maru nodded solemnly “So, you are then...you know...in love...”

Ueda scolded himself internally, there was that tightness in his chest again, just at the mention of the word. “Yeah...”

“I’m sorry” Maru replied, surprising Ueda a little “It sucks how things turned out...”

“Yeah” Ueda repeated, looking down into his lap, he could feel as the knot in his chest made it’s way up his throat, choking his voice a little.

“Are you going to be ok?” Ueda just looked up at him, appreciating the compassion in his voice “I can see that it’s hard for you, both of you, but I know you must be trying really hard not to let it get in the way of work.” Ueda just nodded, not even knowing which part he was agreeing to, but knowing it was the best answer he could give without risking his voice betraying him. “It’s ok to be upset in front of me...I won’t judge you”.

Ueda nodded again but he knew it was too late, there was no way to stop the surge of moisture that was building behind his eyes. He clenched his eyes shut, letting out a shaky breath as he tried to gather himself. “I’m sorry...”

“Ueda...come here” and before he knew what was happening he was wrapped in his friends arms. “I didn’t know it was quite this bad...”

Ueda laughed despite himself as he pulled away, trying to mop away the tears with the back of his hand “I’m sorry Maru, I’m such a baby...”

“No you’re not, you’re hurting...there’s no reason to be embarrassed.” Maru replied softly as he handed Ueda some tissues.

“It’s just silly...there’s nothing to get upset about right? I still see him nearly everyday...” he searched Maru’s eyes for confirmation but all he found was sympathy. “It’s just going to take some getting used to...you know...I was so used to him being there all the time and now he’s not and it just...” he couldn’t help the tears falling again “I just feel incredibly lonely...even if I’m with other people, it’s like there’s still this part missing...and even when he’s there, it’s still...it’s like that hole inside burns...and...”

“I know it hurts” Maru tried to comfort him “It will get better though...time has a strange way of healing things, you’ve just got to keep yourself busy and trust in your friends to cheer you up”

Ueda nodded though he didn’t think it would be that simple “Thanks Maru...I think...in time, I’ll be ok...”

Maru let out a breath of relief “Good, you know I’m here for you right? If you want to talk, or watch movies...and especially if you want to eat...you need to watch that, ok?” and when Ueda nodded he pulled him in for another quick hug.  



	2. November 5th 2012

He felt sick. He couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol, the lack of sleep, or the girl grinding into his front. Taguchi put a hand on her shoulder, gently pushing her forward, away from him. “Got to piss” he slurred into her ear by way of excuse, but he didn’t head for the bathroom, he headed back to the bar, signalling to the bar-tender to pour him another drink.

He’d moved to whisky now, he started with beer, back before he’d intended on getting drunk, but it seemed impossible to go to a club with Koki and not get drunk, especially as it is was now technically the older man’s birthday. When the buzz had began to kick in he switched to cocktails, those prissy, girly ones he always mocked Ueda for drinking, had down right refused to order for him when they’d gone to his billiard hall together. But that night he’d found himself ordering one, secretly wishing that he were ordering it for Ueda, but he knew how bad an idea it would have been to invite him along. Instead he drank the vile things himself, feeling a bitter warmth with each one at the reminder of Ueda.

“Hey, it’s my birthday...why are you the one that’s sloshed...” Koki asked as he made his way over to Taguchi’s stool on slightly wobbly legs. “I hope you’re not planning on getting drunk enough to crawl into my bed now Ueda’s has gone cold...” Koki laughed.

Taguchi downed the drink in front of him and slammed the glass back to the bar, a little harder than necessary. He then turned his gaze to Koki, glaring at him. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about...”

Koki raised his hands in surrender “Calm down man, I was only joking...here have another drink on me.”

His head was swimming too much to stay angry so he turned back to the bar, sliding his glass towards the bar-tender “Again, make it a double.”

Koki sat down beside him, looking at him with mild concern as he picked up the glass drinking it down in one go. “How much have you had?”

“Not enough” Taguchi replied putting down the glass and sliding it back to the bar-tender again.

Koki reached out a hand and caught it “Ok, I’m cutting you off now, I think we should go home.”

Taguchi tried to wrestle the glass from his hand “What’s your problem? One minute you’re buying me drinks and the next you’re telling me I’ve had too much...”

“I didn’t know you were knocking them back that easily when I said it...I’m your friend, I’m allowed to worry about you.” Koki snapped as he managed to pull the glass away.

“Koki, I’m fine.” Taguchi protested.

“Yeah sure, keep telling yourself that and maybe soon even you’ll start to believe it” Koki retorted with a raised eyebrow, but then his face softened as he continued “Look, ever since...that thing...we’ve been worried about you.”

“Well don’t, I’m fine” and he stood up, desperate to get out of this conversation before it even began. He stumbled a little, but then righted himself on Koki’s shoulder, before patting it “I’m going home now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Hey, wait up” Koki called after him, stumbling to catch up “I don’t trust you to get home safely like this, we’ll go together”

He didn’t remember much that happened next, until he found himself in what appeared to be an elevator, a warm body pressed close to him.

“Tatsuya?” he asked hopefully as he turned his head to the side, nuzzling into the soft dark hair.

“Stop that” came Koki’s gruff voice, pushing his head away. “You’re an Idiot, but at least you’re awake now, do you have any idea how heavy you are?”

Taguchi just chuckled, but it turned towards a whine at the end, with the realisation that it wasn’t Ueda, they weren’t together. His body felt suddenly too heavy, weighed down by the feelings pressing in on him, and possibly the large quantity of alcohol in his system. He slumped to the floor, head between his knees and fingers winding tightly into his hair as though it might stop the painful memories.

The elevator stopped and Koki tugged on his arm. He shook his head “Just leave me here.”

“Don’t be so stupid, now get up.” Koki snapped but he just shook his head again, he just wanted to stay right where he was, curled in his little ball away from the rest of the world, hoping to be swallowed up. “Taguchi Junnosuke, get the hell up now, or I swear to God I will drag you out of this elevator by your hair.”

He expected it to be an empty threat but soon enough more fingers grasped his hair pulling him over so that he lay on the floor knees still tucked up almost comically. He felt the tug again on his hair and finally shouted out “Ok, ok, damn it Koki!” and he scrambled to his feet pushing past Koki and along the corridor of, what he now realised, was his apartment building.

He waited by his door until Koki came to unlock it, and then he barged in only to fall over his shoes and onto the floor.

“Come on you idiot” Koki reprimanded him again as he pulled him up and helped him to the couch, “now stay there until I get you something to drink ok?” He waited in silence until Koki returned carrying two mugs of oolong tea and a glass of water.

His heart skipped a beat as the scent of the tea wafted towards him, he hadn’t even taken it out of the cupboard since Ueda was last there, not because he didn’t like it, but because it reminded him too much of the other man. He reached out to pick up the mug but Koki slapped his hand away saying “Water first, I’m not letting you pick that up on your own until I know you can drink water without spilling it.”

He rolled his eyes but did as Koki asked, before picking up the mug of tea and resting back against the sofa, holding it just below his nose so that he could smell it better. It surprised him just how many different memories one smell could dredge up. Early mornings after nights of passion, or late evenings sat on this very sofa watching some program or another. He could recall in minute detail the way Ueda would curl up to him, legs tucked up, a blanket wrapped around them both, mug of tea gripped in both hands to warm them. The way he way he would blow so softly onto the surface, he could remember the exact shape of his lips, how smooth they looked, how soft his features were in the dim light as he focused his attention on the television screen. Taguchi wondered briefly how long he must have spent like that, just looking at Ueda, taking in every detail of his face as he combed his fingers lightly through Ueda’s hair just to feel that small shudder through the older man’s body when it felt good. Surely he must have known, even then, how much he loved Ueda.

It wasn’t Koki that startled him from his thoughts, it was the tiny splash of a tear landing on his wrist. He hadn’t even noticed his eyes were turning blurry as he stared at the floor, looking back into his happier times.

More tears followed and he reached out to put down the mug with shaky hands before glancing at Koki. “Sorry” he murmured, but Koki’s face was not asking for an apology, instead it displayed understanding, almost as if he’d been expecting this, waiting for it even.

Koki reached out an arm, pulling him closer to lean against his chest “Come on, let it all out...”

He didn’t think he could have stopped anyway, he buried his face into Koki’s collar and cried his heart out. He’d been so careful not to show any weakness, not to his friends at work and certainly not to himself. He’d refused to cry, forcing his trademark smile to present itself constantly, even when there was no-one to see it. It was his way of blocking it out, nothing could hurt him so long as he kept smiling, or so he had been telling himself.

Koki’s other hand came up to rub the back of his head as he placed a gentle kiss into his hair.

“Koki?” he croaked out through sobs “how do I make it stop? Every breath hurts and I just want it to stop...” but it seemed Koki had no solution, instead the older man just leant down to kiss his head again.

He couldn’t say how long they had sat that way, but eventually he pulled himself together. He sat himself back up in silence, and Koki handed his mug of tea to him.

“Come on, have something to hydrate yourself and then we’ll get you to bed.” He just nodded and took the mug, drinking it down immediately. His throat felt raw and coarse but the tea managed to soothe it a little, it did nothing for the pounding in his head though and he felt as though his skull could collapse on itself any minute.

Koki helped him from the sofa and into his bedroom where he stripped, with Koki’s help, to his boxers before climbing under the covers. “Thank you Koki” he almost whispered once Koki had tucked him in.

“Get some sleep ok? I’ll bring a bucket through in case you feel sick” Koki whispered back, but his eyes were closed before Koki even left the room, and he didn’t even see the other man come back in.

He suffered for his drinking spree the next morning, he rolled over instinctively to vomit over the side of his bed, truly thankful that Koki had indeed brought a bucket through, and miraculously placed it in the perfect spot.

Once his stomach had stopped twisting, he dragged himself out of bed and to the bathroom. He washed out the bucket and then brushed his teeth to get rid of the taste before showering as quickly as he could. He wrapped himself tightly in his bathrobe before heading to the kitchen to make some strong coffee.

Koki stirred from his makeshift bed on the sofa as he entered the living room. He nodded good morning and then disappeared into the kitchen, returning shortly with a mug of coffee for them both.

“Koki...” he started, clearing his throat “Last night...if I...” he cleared his throat again “I was really drunk...so if I said or did anything...”

Koki shook his head “If anyone should apologise it should be me...” Taguchi looked at him in confusion “I tried to get you drunk on purpose...and then to goad you a little about Ueda...”

He felt almost like he’d been kicked in the stomach “Why? You just wanted to hurt me?”

“I didn’t, not at all, I swear...” Koki answered quickly “Well, I mean technically I did...but not because I wanted you to feel hurt...” Taguchi narrowed his eyes, Koki wasn’t making sense and it was making him feel stupid and like he’d been played. “Kame and Yuichi were in on it too...ever since...you know...”

“No, I don’t...I don’t understand what you’re trying to say...” he snapped a little.

“Since you and Ueda broke up...or whatever it was you did...you just...you’ve been strange...like acting too happy, as though you’re over-compensating for something...”

“I’m sorry...I didn’t know that being all depressed would make me a more productive idol...” he said with sarcasm.

“It’s not about that...it’s about you. We’re worried...we know you’re hurting and it’s scaring us how badly you’re trying not to show it...we thought if we could just get you to open up a little...”

“I don’t want to talk about it Koki...I don’t need to, I’m doing fine...”

“That’s not how it looked last night...”

“Last night I was...”

“Drunk?” Koki cut in “Yeah, maybe you were, but it’s the most honest you’ve been in weeks...”

He didn’t know how to react. “What is it that you want from me?”

“Just let us in every once in a while...I get it that you have your own way of dealing with stuff...”

“I do...I smile...I keep smiling and I don’t let it get to me, that’s just how I am you should know that by now...I’ll talk when I ready to ok?”

Koki sighed but it sounded defeated “Ok...well if you change your mind...or when you’re ready...you know you have a group of friends that really care about you.”

“I know” he replied, he did too. He knew he could trust them and talk to them but he just couldn’t face it right now. He needed time for the wounds to heal first.  



	3. November 28th - 29th 2012

Ueda had felt marginally better over the last few weeks, it had now been around 6 weeks since their break-up, and while the pain was still raw he found he was at least having more success controlling his emotions. He no longer felt like crying just being in the same room as Taguchi, and he found he was sleeping a little better now he didn’t spend half the night crying either.

It wasn’t that he didn’t care anymore, if anything he cared more, it felt worse as it began to sink in, as he spent more time without Taguchi. Maybe it was just that he his body had grown tired of constantly expressing his sadness, or maybe it was just the extra work they’d had lately. Either way, he was pleased, at least, that he could trust himself not to break down in front of the other man.

“Hey, Taguchi” he said anxiously once he had a few moments alone with the man. “We’re not working tomorrow right?” Taguchi just nodded in agreement “Are you...did you...have plans...with it being your birthday and everything?”

Taguchi’s eyes widened slightly “Not in particular, I’m seeing my mom tonight, so tomorrow I was just going to...well I didn’t really have plans yet.”

Ueda smiled “I just wondered...if you know, you were comfortable with it...if it wouldn’t be weird between us...if you maybe wanted to go out, or something...”

His heart sped up at the genuine smile that lit up Taguchi’s features “Yeah, I’d like that...”

He smiled nervously “Just as friends of course...but still, you gave me such a wonderful birthday, that I was thinking...there was somewhere I wanted to take you too...if you wanted...”

Taguchi nodded eagerly “I would love to...”

“And tomorrow is ok? A different day would be fine...”

“No tomorrow would be great, there’s nobody I’d rather spend my birthday with” there was a moment of awkwardness between them “I didn’t mean it like...like how we were, just, I still want to be good friends with you...”

Ueda nodded. “Ok then...tomorrow...I’ll pick you up, say 11am?” Taguchi nodded in agreement and then Ueda left for the day.

He’d thought often about what Taguchi had done for him for his birthday, despite it being the trigger that started their break-up, it was also one of the most incredible times of his life. Everything had been perfect, from the activities to the conversation, even getting drunk and having to take care of Taguchi. And the sex had been incredible too, from the romantic setting of the waterfall, so reminiscent of that dream he’d had so long ago, to the perfect evening with the picnic and the sunset, making love in the open air in their own little bubble, cut off from life itself almost.

He knew that taking Taguchi away on vacation wouldn’t be a good idea, but he hoped at least they had come far enough to be able to spend a few hours of the day in each other’s company, and he desperately wanted to do something for Taguchi’s birthday, as a thank you as much as a celebration of Taguchi’s birth.

**November 29 th 2012 **

He picked Taguchi up as promised at 11am sharp. He’d spent a while over the past weeks thinking of something he could do that would be special but not too romantic, and finally, only a few days before he’d found it. It was the reminder of their vacation that gave him the inspiration.

“So where are we going?” Taguchi asked brightly as he climbed into the passenger seat.

“I thought...maybe we could go to the aquarium?” he replied tentatively as he drove away. “You know, see some turtles and sharks...since we didn’t see them before”

Taguchi nodded happily “That would be perfect, thank you.”

Ueda was surprised at how easy it was still to be around Taguchi, his light humour, the bright smile that he found unbearably contagious. They wandered around all of the exhibits, and Taguchi enthusiastically talked about the animals he liked seeing, and made terrible puns on many of their names. They even managed to catch the dolphin and seal shows, though the seal show was slightly ruined by some girls a few rows below them, turning and pointing and giggling the whole way through. They were then followed by said girls for at least 20 minutes, until they managed to lose them in one of the darker exhibits.

It felt natural, being together like that, like breathing, even when Taguchi would absent-mindedly grab his hand to lead him to a particularly interesting display, or sneak an arm behind his back in the busier exhibits to keep him from getting knocked aside.  It was the little moments like that, that had Ueda’s heart skipping beats, smiling shyly at the other man, and then laughing lightly at his confusion.

When they’d finally seen all that there was to see, and Ueda suspected that in the course of trying to drag out the time together as long as possible they actually had seen everything there was in the building, they returned to Ueda’s car.

“Do you...um...do you want to get something to eat?” Ueda asked a little shyly once they were buckled up and ready to go.

“I’d like that” Taguchi answered, placing his hand softly over Ueda’s, which he now realised was fidgeting with the gearstick. “You don’t need to be so nervous...I feel the same way...it’s strange with the feelings still being so strong...”

Ueda nodded and tried to change the subject quickly, Taguchi’s words hitting him deeply. “Where do you want to go? You can have whatever you like...”

“I want Takoyaki...” he smiled “It makes me happy to see you eating it, I like it...”

Ueda laughed a little but nodded, “The usual place then?” and he set off in the direction of his favourite restaurant for Takoyaki, they’d been there together a few times before, back when they were together when Taguchi didn’t want to cook.

It was a fairly quiet restaurant so they ate in peace, with Taguchi recounting eagerly about the animals they’d seen. Then they set off back home, Ueda stopping momentarily at a combini on the way to buy a birthday cake.

“You didn’t need to get me a cake...” Taguchi said, his voice full of appreciation.

“But it’s your birthday, you need to have cake...” Ueda replied matter-of-factly.

“Thank you Uepi...” Taguchi said, before remaining silent in thought until they reached his apartment.

Ueda parked in the parking lot around the back beside Taguchi’s mini and switched off the engine. “Thank you, for going out with me...” he said feeling lame.

“Thank you for taking me” Taguchi replied. And then after a moments silence he continued “I mean it, today has been incredible...I was worried that after we...that we wouldn’t be able to have that anymore, that it’d be too weird...”

“I was worried about that too” Ueda admitted “It was hard...I think it will be for a while, until I manage to get over you, but I want us to keep trying...I don’t want to stop spending time with you...”

Taguchi’s head nodded slowly “Do you think you will? Get over me I mean?”

He inhaled deeply “I don’t know...I hope so, I mean that’s kind of the point right?”

There was another moment silence and then out of nowhere Taguchi placed a hand on his cheek, pulling him round to face him just in time for their lips to meet. He melted immediately into it, his lips molding themselves against Taguchi’s, following their gentle rhythm until, reluctantly, Taguchi pulled away.

“Do you...want to come inside?” Taguchi asked innocently, but Ueda was apprehensive, he knew what the question really asked, and yes he wanted it, but he knew he couldn’t have it. All of that talk about being responsible and just being friends.

He decided it best not to torture himself with the possibility. “I can’t...” and he turned away, finding his focus.

He could hear the bitter smile in Taguchi’s voice “You buy me a cake and then send me home alone to light the candles myself?”

He looked back up and saw the sadness in Taguchi’s face, he knew it wasn’t about the cake, but all the same he felt he should at least escort him inside and light the damn candles for him. “I’ll come in...for the cake...but not for anything else ok?” and he tried a stern look, but it was ruined by the gratitude in Taguchi’s eyes.

He let Taguchi lead the way inside, feeling something akin to nostalgia as he entered the apartment that only a few weeks ago had been like a second home to him. Taguchi brought out candles and a lighter while Ueda headed straight for the kotatsu with the cake. They switched out the main lights, leaving only the floor lamp casting a dull glow over the room, together they placed 27 candles in the cake and Ueda lit them. They sat for a few moments, watching the dancing flames and then when Taguchi’s eyes found his, Ueda whispered “Make a wish”.

Taguchi’s eyes closed slowly and after a few seconds he leaned forward, blowing slowly over the flames until they were all extinguished. When his eyes slid back up to Ueda’s, the intensity in them sent a shiver down Ueda’s back. He couldn’t look away, the longing and desperation in Taguchi’s face mirrored that in his own mind. “Junno...” he whispered.

“Tatsuya...please...” Taguchi replied, just as quietly, voice begging “You know what I wished for...”


	4. November 29th - 30th 2012

“Junno...” he whispered again, torn.

“I know...I know we can’t be together...but just for tonight...just for my birthday, please...Tatsuya please...just for tonight be mine again...”

All resolve faded as Taguchi’s eyes, still black pools of desire, threatened to overflow. He stood slowly, shakily and walked around the kotatsu, he held his hand out to help Taguchi up, and as soon as they were standing he slid his arms shyly around Taguchi’s waist as he pressed their lips gently together.

He could feel his body trembling with need, desperation to feel the younger man pressed against him again, taste the sweetness inside his mouth, let his warmth wash over him and dance with him in that delicate rhythm he’d once taken for granted.

He pulled away slowly, taking Taguchi’s hand in his own and with a look that said more than words he turned to lead him to the bedroom. Once inside he closed the door and then went over to close the curtains and peel back the covers before holding a hand out for Taguchi.

There, standing beside the bed they kissed again, slow and sweet, but deeper with the anticipation of what was to come. There was moisture on his cheek, but he couldn’t say if was from his own eyes or Taguchi’s, it could have been either or both if their ragged breath was anything to go by.

He felt his control ebbing and so he pulled his mouth from Taguchi’s, looking up into the gentle, longing eyes, as his hands moved to peel the clothing from their bodies.

They were both hard already, though he hadn’t noticed when it had happened, and he smiled slightly at the way Taguchi’s stomach dipped when he held out his hand to touch the hard flesh with his finger tips.

Taguchi let out a soft, high-pitched whimper, and though he’d missed that sound terribly, it wasn’t what he wanted for tonight.

“Lay down” he whispered into Taguchi’s collarbone as  he placed a chaste kiss there, and Taguchi complied, moving to the middle of the bed and laying on his back, legs spread a little. Ueda moved to lay between them, hovering over Taguchi’s body as he connected their mouths once more before slowly lowering his body to feel their flesh connect as well.

Taguchi pulled away harshly from the kiss as their arousals connected, the groan that left his lips cutting sharply through the quiet of the room. The groan was repeated as Ueda moved his hips gently, kissing his way down Taguchi’s throat, feeling the vibrations the next groan caused under his lips.

He didn’t drag it out, he needed Taguchi and he could see that the other man needed him just as desperately, so he leaned over, reaching into the drawer beside the bed for the lube he knew was there.

He coated his fingers a little slower than necessary, biding his time in order to gather his self-control, though the sight in front of him did nothing to help.  Taguchi’s eyes remained locked on his while he lay sprawled out, arms out and hands clutching at the covers, legs spread and hips angled up in anticipation. Ueda thought he’d never seen anything so arousing, especially with the way the younger mans chest dipped low with each slow deep breath, and the way the his hard cock twitched, begging to be stimulated.

He couldn’t wait much longer and so he moved his hand lower, rubbing gently at the ring of muscle, watching Taguchi’s face, the way it crumpled in pleasure, eyes clenching shut and teeth biting into his lower lip. Taguchi let out a strained groan when Ueda finally slipped the finger inside, and then a harsh gasp as he repeated the action a few times. He removed his finger then, applying a little more lube, and sliding in two fingers at once. He moved them slowly in and out before seeking out the soft bump that would set Taguchi’s body alight, still, he was surprised when he finally slid over it, to feel hard contractions around his fingers accompanying a cut off moan as Taguchi’s whole body jerked.

“I’m sorry” Taguchi whispered, looking away to the side, cheeks flushing dark as he moved his hand self-consciously to hide the white streaks across his stomach.

Ueda slipped his fingers out and moved up to kiss Taguchi’s lips softly. “It’s ok.”

“I didn’t know...” Taguchi replied embarrassed “It just happened...”

Ueda couldn’t help smiling, the sweet innocence of the younger man’s face making his chest feel warm “Don’t worry about it...” and he kissed the soft lips again, this time receiving a slight response.

“I still want to...” Taguchi started, but Ueda cut him off with another kiss.

“You don’t need to...”

Taguchi shook his head furiously “Please, I do...it’s not even about that, I just want to be as close to you as possible...”

Ueda nodded, he could understand that, towards the end of their relationship, before that even he suspected, sex hadn’t been about sex anymore, it was about the connection, about feeling each other, having each other completely. He nodded again slower “Don’t let me hurt you...”

“As long as you’re here with me...nothing can hurt me.”

His chest felt too tight, his throat thick with emotion and so he pressed his lips hard against Taguchi’s, as though that might quell the feelings rising up in him.  They kissed slowly for a few more minutes, until Taguchi’s hand gently took hold of his, nudging it back down between his legs.

He finished his preparation slowly, allowing Taguchi’s body to grow accustomed to the pleasure again before finally giving in and slipping inside him. He couldn’t remember anything feeling so incredible, so perfectly sweet and pure as they rocked together, pace and rhythm matching so seamlessly and their minds so finely attuned to each other’s needs.

He kept his lips in motion with Taguchi’s as much as possible through their deep pants and soft moans, loving the way Taguchi’s hand clung desperately to his body, one urging his hips on while the other knotted roughly into his hair.

He felt more than heard it when Taguchi tipped over the edge for the second time that night, the way his fingers tensed against his skin while his whole body shook with the convulsions even as the tight rings of muscle surrounding him sucked his own orgasm from him, making him see stars.

He held the connection for as long as possible, but when it started to ache he pulled back, slipping out of the younger man’s body, and falling to the bed beside him, spent.

**November 30 th 2012 **

When he awoke the next morning the bed was empty beside him, though the bathrobe he’d used to wear here was laid out across his feet. He got up and shrugged it on, drowning in its familiar smell, smelling more familiar scents as he left the bedroom and wandered along the hallway to the kitchen where Taguchi was cooking breakfast.

“You’re just in time” Taguchi beamed as he brought over a plate of eggs and toast “I was about to come and wake you”

“Thank you” he mumbled back, not quite able to be as happy about the situation as Taguchi seemed to be. And he took his plate over to the kotatsu where there were already some mugs of tea and a few slices of the birthday cake set on a separate plate. After a few minutes Taguchi joined him and they sat down together to eat. “Junno...about last night...”

Taguchi smiled, shaking his head “its ok, you don’t have to say anything about it.” There was silence for a few moments. “I’m sorry if I pressured you into doing it...but I really do appreciate it” he smiled bitterly “It would be a lie to say I haven’t been missing you like crazy, but yesterday...I think it was just what I needed to take the edge off...”

“Then...you’re ok?” Ueda asked, he couldn’t deny that in some primal way he’d needed it just as desperately, but he couldn’t understand Taguchi’s sunny outlook on it, for him, he felt worse now having given in.

“Of course” Taguchi beamed, “it was incredible...the whole day was just perfect and...” he tried to tone down the smile a bit “I’m sorry...I know that we can’t be together and so it’s kind of cruel to both of us to give in like that...but I don’t regret it...”

“I don’t regret it either...I just” he stopped to blink back the tears that were suddenly threatening behind his eyes “It’s just...harder...you know...”

“I know” Taguchi conceded. “I’m sorry baby” and he reached out to take Ueda’s hand, rubbing it soothingly for a few moments. “We’ll be more careful from now on”.


	5. December 24th 2012

He knew it had been a mistake just as soon as he’d asked him, he knew Ueda knew it was a mistake too, but neither of them had backed down and now here they were.

“You’re sure your mum won’t mind me being there?” Ueda asked him for the fourth time since they set off, they’d been driving less than an hour and there was still a little while left to go.

“Stop asking that, I wouldn’t just bring you along without asking her...”

“Yeah, but you don’t think she just said it was ok out of politeness...”

“Uepi, you’ve met my mum...when has she ever done anything just because it’s polite.” Taguchi replied laughing, and Ueda laughed too though Taguchi couldn’t be sure which of the many memories he was thinking of. And there certainly were many, his mother was every bit as KY as he was and there were countless times she said silly or embarrassing things in front of them, things they would never let him live down.

“And your brother and sister are coming over tomorrow right?” Ueda asked sounding a little nervous again.

“Yeah just for a couple of hours for dinner and stuff...and before you ask, no they won’t mind you being there...in fact I’m pretty sure my sister will be over the moon about it...”

“I’m sorry” Ueda replied sheepishly “Just...it’s Christmas you know...it’s supposed to be about family...”

“Uepi you are my family...all of KAT-TUN are, and I would have invited all of them along if they weren’t busy already...but I couldn’t bear the thought of you being alone for Christmas...”

“My family suck for going away this time of year...It’s not like I’d be completely alone though, I would have had the dogs and there would have been friends to go out with and stuff”

“Even so...”

There was silence for a short while. “Thank you though, for inviting me, it’ll be really nice spending Christmas with your family.

The rest of the journey was spent in silence, other than the voice of the sat nav calling out directions. A little over a year ago Taguchi’s mum had moved back out to Kanagawa where they’d lived for a few years when Taguchi was younger, it was a different area though and he wasn’t very familiar with it. He’d only managed to get out to visit three times in that time, not including the day he’d helped her move, which he was a little ashamed of, especially considering that those times were special occasions, Christmas, his birthday, her birthday.

And here it was, Christmas again. He was happy he’d be able to stay longer this time though, usually he’d only be round for the day, but their schedules had been unusually sparse this Christmas meaning that both he and Ueda were off for a whole three days to visit.

Ueda’s parents had decided to go away for Christmas this year, they had invited Ueda to go with them but since they wouldn’t be back before the new year that was out of the question, the new year countdown was one of the most important Johnny’s events of the year. Ueda’s sister also had plans that year, since it was the first Christmas with the new baby, she was going to stay with her husband’s family for a few days over the holidays, and Ueda would probably have felt out of place there. Taguchi couldn’t stand the idea of Ueda being on his own, the older man got lonely easily and he knew it would only be worse given the time of year...and the recent heart-break that Taguchi was responsible for, so that’s why he’d invited him along to his mum’s house for Christmas. Ueda had been reluctant to agree at first, but with a little gentle persuasion, and reassurance that no lines would be crossed, he finally agreed.

They hadn’t spoken of the events of his Birthday again, but Taguchi felt like it was something that was constantly on their mind when they were together, how easy it had been to slip back into each other’s arms, how perfect. But they knew they couldn’t do it again, it really had made things harder, had made Taguchi want Ueda more.

 He pulled into the small driveway beside his mum’s house, and the door opened before they had chance to even get out of the car. He turned to Ueda with a grimace. “I apologise now for anything she says or does over the next few days.” But the car door was opened from the outside before Ueda had chance to respond. “Mum, calm down we’re coming” he directed at his mother, rolling his eyes.

“Well, hurry up and get inside, it’s freezing out here” she reprimanded as Ueda climbed out of his side, fetching both their bags from the boot. “Ueda-kun, how are you? I haven’t seen you since the concerts at the start of the year.”

Ueda nodded at her in greeting “I’m fine thank you, how are you? It was really kind of you to invite me for Christmas.”

“I’m very well, thank you, and it’s really no bother, the more the merrier” and she took the bags from his hands, passing them both to Taguchi who had just managed to scramble out of the car. “Jun, take your things up to the guest room.” And then she turned leading Ueda into the house.

Taguchi did as she asked, dropping both bags in the guest room, and then he went to the bathroom to freshen up before heading back down the narrow staircase. His mum had already served tea and cake in the sitting room and was now interrogating his band mate.

“...and how about you Ueda-kun, is there any special lady in your life right now?” he heard her say.

“Mum...really...do we need to do this right now?” he cut in, glaring a little.

But she just chuckled “Don’t worry Jun, I aren’t saying anything embarrassing about you yet.”

“Mum” he whined but Ueda was laughing too, and he couldn’t help but smile. Honestly he’d thought it might be a little awkward, just him, Ueda and his mother...just him, the man he’d been fucking and the woman he was really bad at lying to, who had no reason to even suspect he was interested in men.

“Oh just you wait until later...I’ve picked out some lovely old episodes of Shounen Club for us all to watch, Ueda-kun, I didn’t want you feeling left out so there’s plenty of old footage of you in them too”. Now it was Taguchi’s turn to laugh as Ueda’s face dropped into a pout.

There was a sudden beeping from the kitchen area and Taguchi’s mum stood up immediately. “That’s just the meat for tea, needs turning. Why don’t you boys go and get settled and I’ll give a call when lunch is ready. Jun you could find out some spare blankets for yourself if you want, I could only find the double futon so Ueda-kun can sleep in the guest room, you don’t mind taking the couch right?”

He waited for a moment while Ueda finished his cup of tea and then they both stood. “It’s not very big, but I’ll give you the tour anyway.” And he turned to lead Ueda through the different rooms, ending with the guest room. “So here’s your room, mum already got out the futon and blankets and stuff, just unroll them when you come up.”

“I don’t mind...” Ueda started nervously “I mean...you wouldn’t even fit on the sofa right? It’s not like we’ve never shared a bed before...” his cheeks flushed suddenly “not just like that...I mean when we were juniors right...we used to all share beds and stuff...to sleep...”

He couldn’t help a small smile at Ueda’s shyness “Are you sure...wouldn’t it be weird considering...”

Ueda shook his head “As long as we...you know...don’t...”

Taguchi nodded “Of course. Thank you...” There was a slight tension in the air between them, but it was interrupted just a few moments later when Taguchi’s mum called them down for lunch.


	6. December 24th 2012

The afternoon passed reasonably quickly, the three of them ate a light lunch and then Taguchi drove them all to the local store to pick up the last of the ingredients for the Christmas dinner. Afterwards they went for a short walk along the seafront before heading back to his mum’s house for dinner.

“It’s been a while since you mentioned any young ladies you’ve been spending time with...” Taguchi’s mum hinted as they were digging into dessert.

“There hasn’t been any...really...” Taguchi replied a little vaguely. He knew his mother was just concerned about his happiness, but he really didn’t need her getting involved in his dating life right now.

“You seem sadder recently...you try to hide it I know, but mothers can always tell. You looked much happier earlier in the year...”

He was caught off guard a little, but he knew there was no sense in lying “There was someone...a while ago...”

“I knew it” his mum beamed suddenly, “But why wasn’t I introduced to the lucky young lady?”

For a moment he didn’t know how to respond “It wasn’t like that...it wasn’t anything serious...but it didn’t work out anyway...” He could feel that tension in the air again, Ueda remained completely silent, though what did he expect him to say?

“Ueda-kun too, you seemed really happy before...you must have been in love too right?” Taguchi could see the slight fear in Ueda’s eyes, he obviously hadn’t been expecting the attention on him, though honestly, Taguchi himself was surprised at just how observant his mother seemed to be.

“I guess...something like that...” Ueda eventually answered, trying to remain as vague as possible “It was doomed from the start really...”

“Ahh, well never mind, both of you are still young and handsome, maybe 2013 will be the lucky year for you.” They both nodded in consent though neither seemed particularly enthusiastic.

When they had finished eating, Taguchi and Ueda washed the dishes in silence while Taguchi’s mum caught up on the latest episode of a drama she’d been watching, and then they all settled down in front of the TV to watch old episodes of Shounen Club.

Taguchi’s mum took the armchair while Taguchi sprawled out on the couch, Ueda sat neatly on the other end of the couch, though Taguchi soon nudged him with a foot.

“Hey, you can relax and get comfy you know...tuck your feet up...” Ueda looked momentarily startled but after a few words of affirmation from Taguchi’s mum, he finally relaxed, leaning into the armrest of the sofa, feet coming up to tuck under himself the way he liked. Taguchi left his foot where it was, nestled snugly against Ueda’s leg, but after a moment he remembered where he was, or rather whose company they were in, and moved it away.

They watched a few episodes from the video tapes that Taguchi’s mum had recorded, but then she decided to turn in for the night, bidding the boys goodnight as she made her way upstairs.

“Oh, it’s your episode now” Ueda remarked as the intro to the next episode finished.

“Do you want to keep watching or shall we find something else to watch?”

“We’ll watch this last one, you were silly in this one right?”

“When wasn’t I silly?” Taguchi replied, rolling his eyes, but he put the remote down anyway, shuffling a little closer now his mum’s prying eyes were gone.

They endured another blast from the past, giggling away at their antics, pointing out how silly Maru used to be, or how excited Koki was, how tiny the juniors were but as it neared the end of the show Taguchi suddenly froze. As he watched his younger self give a speech about when he had felt sad, he finally remembered what the next song was. He glanced over to Ueda and the way he was fiddling with his shirt sleeves implied he’d remembered too.

“Do you want me to stop it here?” Taguchi asked, feeling a little silly.

Ueda shook his head, not looking up “We’re both thinking it already...plus I really like the song”

Taguchi nodded but he felt a lump already in his throat as he turned back to the TV just in time for the song to start. Baby Blue.

He made it as far as the chorus before the tears started flowing, but he kept his eyes fixed on the TV screen. He felt frozen, like his whole body had just stopped and refused to carry on, but his eyes stung like fire where the flow of water continued. He’d been painfully aware of Ueda’s close presence the whole day, but with the distractions of driving and then having his mother fussing around them he hadn’t had time to really dwell on it. But now, with the words of the song echoing in his ears he couldn’t hold back.

The end credits were already rolling when Ueda reached over him for the remote, he stopped the video and then switched off the TV in silence before finally turning to face him, a mixture of loss and confusion in his eyes.

“I’ve tried to forget about us...I’ve tried really hard but it just isn’t working” Taguchi admitted, barely above a whisper. “I think about you all the time...”

Ueda nodded, his lips quivering in that way that showed he was on the verge of tears too, and they finally spilled over as he opened his mouth to speak “I miss everything...just being with you” he stopped for a moment as a quiet sob shook him “Every night I feel completely alone...because you’re not there to hold me...I don’t want to love you this much, but I just can’t make it stop”

“I’m sorry...this was a stupid idea...bringing you here...” but Ueda’s head was shaking again “It’s killing me to hurt you this much...”

“Junno...please...” but when their eyes met Taguchi didn’t need to ask what it was he wanted. Everything inside him screamed that it was wrong, and impossible and that they couldn’t, not here, but he just didn’t care, he needed the comfort and he needed to comfort Ueda too.

He took Ueda’s hand, leading him as quietly as he could up the stairs and then into the small guest bedroom. Together they rolled out the futon and made up the sheets, and then for a few moments they just sat, looking at each other, taking each other in.

“Tatsuya...you know that whatever happens tonight...we can’t take it back...” Taguchi asserted, he’d made his mistakes last month on his birthday, he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do that again. If Ueda wanted to be with him he wasn’t going to refuse, but he wouldn’t persuade Ueda again against his better judgement, this time they knew what giving in would cost them, and they both had to accept it.

“I know...but I need you...Junno, I really need you now”

With a nod of assent, Taguchi crawled forwards onto the futon and opened his arms in time for Ueda to crawl into them, before pressing their lips together in a searing kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so if anyone was wondering what the title 'Baby Blue' was all about...it's a song title (only I didn't want to mention that before in case it spoiled the story). It's originally by Tokio but KAT-TUN and NEWS sang it together on Shounen Club back in 2005, and I just loved it >_<


	7. December 25th 2012

He woke up shivering, he reached out to pull the covers up over him again before rolling over to seek out the warmth of the body beside him.

“Junno?” he questioned when he couldn’t feel the other man beside him, and then when he opened his eyes he realised he was alone.

He sat up, looking around for the other man, but was a little confused initially at his surroundings, until it sunk in again that he was in Taguchi’s mum’s home.

His cheeks flushed suddenly, what had they done...in Taguchi’s mother’s house, just a room away from his mother herself. He searched around for his bag, pulling out clean clothes and then he made his way quickly to the bathroom to clean himself off.

After a few minutes of quick but hard scrubbing he switched off the water and dried himself off with a towel, before putting on his clean clothes and stepping out of the bathroom.

“Uepi” Taguchi smiled brightly, almost bumping into him as he re-entered the guest room. “Did you sleep well?”

With the sight of the other man, Ueda’s emotions finally caught up with him and when he opened his mouth to speak, all that came out was a choked gasp. He closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to push the memories away, then he brought out one of those fake, bright smiles he thought he’d been fooling everyone with. “Yes, thank you”

When he finally looked back at Taguchi, he looked a mixture of sad and guilty and it hurt Ueda even deeper seeing it. “Uepi...I’m sorry...”

He shook his head “Don’t, don’t apologise, you did nothing wrong...”

“But...you’re sad...and it’s because...”

“It’s because I miss you, but I know that we can’t be together, and I knew that last night, so it’s not your fault ok?”

Taguchi looked as though he was about to protest but Taguchi’s mum’s voice floated up the stairs before he had time to speak “Jun, you’re brother and sister are here, come down and say hello...” Taguchi gave one last concerned glance towards Ueda.

“I’m fine, really, just give me a few minutes to...I’ll be down soon ok?” Taguchi nodded and gently rubbed Ueda’s arm before walking past him and out of the room.

Ueda was thankful at least that cramming so many people into the small house meant there was never a dull moment in the Taguchi household. Both Taguchi’s siblings now had their own families, their partners and children, and the house seemed filled with laughter and chatter, Taguchi catching up with the family he hadn’t seen in a while.

Ueda joined in the conversations where he could, he’d met Taguchi’s siblings before, if only briefly, but they were very much like Taguchi, bright, smiling always eager to please. He tried not to think of the previous night, how Taguchi had opened his legs to him, eager to please. How he’d been just as eager to please Taguchi, hands running over all the sensitive areas of flesh, stroking hard, making them come together.

Dinner was certainly a feast, Taguchi’s mum citing ‘fattening them all up’ as her excuse for the vast quantity of food, and there was nice light hearted conversation to go along with it. They laughed at the terrible jokes from the western style Christmas crackers, and Ueda made Taguchi promise never to repeat them since they were even worse than his own jokes.

After dinner they moved on to opening presents, Ueda had made sure to bring something  along, just a simple festive hamper of sweets, biscuits and wine for Taguchi’s mum, as a thank you for having him. He was surprised to receive a gift in return, a cute wooly scarf that matched the ones she also gave to her own children. But the presents were mainly an event for the children and the adults watched on as the children excitedly opened toys and began playing them.

As Taguchi joined in with them, getting down on his hands and knees to play on the carpet with them, Ueda had to admit he seemed as though he would make a very good parent one day, though he bitterly reminded himself that it wouldn’t be with him.

Taguchi’s sister seemed to notice Taguchi’s skill for amusing children too, but when she voiced aloud that Taguchi should really hurry and start his own family, to Ueda’s relief, Taguchi’s mum chipped in and reprimanded her, telling her that just because it was the life she’s chosen it didn’t mean it was the most important thing to everyone.  Naturally, Taguchi’s cheery nature managed to ease the tension and within minutes everyone was happy again.

It was a long few hours, Ueda enjoyed the bustle of it all, but he felt a little relieved once it was just the three of them again. Despite not being as active as Taguchi, he seemed to be twice as worn out, though maybe not as worn out as his mother.

Together the three of them cleaned the house until it was back to its usual condition, all the extra pots washed and packed away until next year, and then they had a small snack on some of the leftovers.

“You boys will have to take some of this food with you when you go, I can’t finish all this off alone.”

“That’s alright” Taguchi beamed “Uepi and I will polish it off in no time.” And Ueda couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm.

“I’m going to head on up to bed now” Taguchi’s mum announced a short while later “I’ll see you boys for a few hours before you have to leave tomorrow right?”

“Yeah, we’ll leave sometime in the afternoon. Goodnight mum.” Taguchi answered, and once Ueda had bid his goodnights as well, she headed up the creaky stairs.

 “Thank you for inviting me, I’ve had a really good Christmas” Ueda smiled almost shyly “It’s nice to do things a little traditionally sometimes, right?”

“It is...and speaking of traditions...I found a little something in the box of decorations” and with a sly smile he pulled out what looked like a twig with small white orbs on. “You know about mistletoe right?” But before Ueda had chance to answer he’d leaned forward and locked their lips together.

Ueda kissed him back, the tension he’d been feeling all day, the flashing images of the previous night all rising up at once to push him forcefully into it. Before he’d even realised it he’d stood from his chair and moved closer to Taguchi, only to be pulled down onto his lap by the man in question.

“Junno” he whined softly between the crushing kisses, until reluctantly Taguchi pulled away slowly, pecking his lips gently just one more time.

“Tatsuya...I have something for you...a Christmas present, but I didn’t want to give it to you when everyone else was around...” and gently he pushed against Ueda’s hips until Ueda stood up, and then after switching out all of the lights, Taguchi lead him up the stairs.

When Taguchi walked over to his bag, Ueda copied his action, kneeling in front of his own to take out the gift he’d brought for Taguchi. He’d been unsure about whether he should give it to him or not, of course he wanted to because he cared for Taguchi and wanted to show his appreciation, but with their relationship the way it was he didn’t want to make things even more complicated.

He was glad he’d bought it after all when Taguchi turned to him, holding out a small box similar to the one he was holding in his own hand. He smiled and handed over his own gift to Taguchi and with a small smile between them, they both took a seat on the futon to open their gifts.

Inside the box Taguchi had given him was a ring, it was a beautiful, feminine looking gold ring that he recognised as being from the latest Louis Vuitton collection. He took it from the presentation box and turned it in his fingers, it was the one he had been looking at, he wondered when it was, if Taguchi had been with him.

“Junno, it’s perfect...” he started, but was surprised at the expression on Taguchi’s face. He’d forgotten that he should have been awaiting Taguchi’s reaction to the gift he’d given him.

“It’s beautiful” the younger man almost whispered, and Ueda watched as he ran his fingers gently over the symbol on the front of the ring.

He cleared his throat shyly “It’s a Claddagh...” he stumbled over the strange sounding word “I heard about them when I went to England that time...” and as Taguchi held the ring closer to inspect it Ueda continued “the heart represents love, the hands friendship and the crown loyalty...they say that if you wear it with the heart pointing towards you, it’s a sign you belong to somebody.”

Taguchi raised his eyes to Ueda then “Thank you, it’s...” but he shook his head with a small smile and didn’t continue, instead he looked back down to the ring before slipping it onto his finger, heart pointed inwards “Even if we can’t be together...I think, in a way, I’ll always belong to you.”

Tears began sliding down Taguchi’s cheeks and his voice shook a little when he spoke next “I’m not the type to fall in love so easily, or so hard...usually...I can move on, but for some reason everything is different with you, it tears at my chest when you’re around, but it feels like I can’t breathe without you.”

“I know” Ueda answered lamely, his own eyes wet with tears “But you heard what Kame said...if they find out they’ll do anything to stop us from being together...by then it will just be worse...”

He could swear he felt his heart breaking with the sob that left Taguchi’s lips, too loud and desperate in the stillness of the night. “But Tatsuya...I love you...I can’t stop it...”

“Junno...” his own voice was growing too shaky now, the strength he’d been fighting to keep for Taguchi’s sake was failing him now, he could feel himself falling apart “Junno” he whimpered again, and then he was scooped into strong arms and held there as they both shook in silent sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anybody that's interested, these are the rings I had in mind: Ueda's Ring - http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=26121897 (which I'd be surprised if he didn't actually have since he seems to own everything else from that collection) and Taguchi's Ring - http://www.glencara.com/media/catalog/product/cache/2/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/r/2/r289-14k-ww__1_2_.jpg (naturally as a huge Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan...I have a thing about Claddagh rings, and even though they're not like...really well known over here, I figured Ueda was more likely to hear about them in England than Japan since they're Irish in origin).


	8. December 26th 2012

He was alone again when he woke the next morning, fully dressed and with the ring Taguchi had given him clutched tightly in his hand. He blinked the sleep from his eyes, and then rubbed away the tightness in his skin from where the tears had dried on his cheeks when he’d finally drifted to sleep.

He got up from the futon and tucked the ring safely back in its box before gathering his clean clothes and heading to the bathroom. He stopped for a moment in the hallway as he heard Taguchi’s voice, unconvincingly light, from downstairs.

“I’m just sad that I can’t stay here longer, that’s all” he chirped.

“Junnosuke” came his mother’s serious tone. “I know you better than you think and it really concerns me that you’re unhappy...”

“Mom” Taguchi sighed “I’m not unhappy...things...lately there’s been something...but I’ll be ok, I promise, I just...” and his voice suddenly sounded defeated “I just can’t deal with talking about it right now...”

There was silence for a moment and then Taguchi’s mother heaved a sigh “I understand...but if there’s anything at all I can do, you know that I’m here for you right? Jun, I love you, and I just want you to be happy, no matter what...ok? I’ll always support you...”

The floorboard beneath Ueda’s foot gave a loud creak, and he hurried into the bathroom before he was caught eavesdropping. He showered leisurely under the hot spray, trying to push the conversation from his mind, Taguchi’s sad voice, and his promise that he would be ok, ok without Ueda.

 When he returned to the guest room he packed all of his things carefully back into his bag, before slipping his ring onto his finger and then making his way downstairs. The atmosphere downstairs had cheered up considerably since before his shower and he joined in the happy conversations, laughing at Taguchi’s mum’s stories.

After a relaxed morning and lunch, Taguchi announced that it was probably time to head back, so they gathered their things together and got ready to leave.

“You remember what I said Jun...” Taguchi’s mother said almost sternly as she gave Taguchi a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then she turned to Ueda, pulling him in for a hug too “And you come back whenever you want to sweetheart, it’s been a pleasure having you with us.” Ueda tried to hide his blush as he said his thanks and goodbyes and then they both climbed back into Taguchi’s mini.

The drive home was quiet and uneventful, but once they arrived back at Ueda’s apartment building Taguchi pulled in beside Ueda’s car and switched off the engine.

“We should talk” Taguchi said, barely above a whisper and Ueda felt his stomach turn. “I meant those things that I said...” he cleared his throat “I love you...but I’ve been thinking about it, and right now, this isn’t good for us”

Ueda nodded “We were both stupid to let things get to this...” Taguchi took his hand and rubbed his thumb gently over the ring but said nothing. After and endless few minutes of battling to control his emotions, Ueda finally slipped his hand out from Taguchi’s “I’d better...the dogs haven’t had a proper walk in a few days, I had Mizusawa-san feed them but she’s quite old and...I’d better go take care of them.”

Taguchi nodded and seemed to snap out of some kind of daze “Yeah, of course, then I’ll see you at work tomorrow?” Ueda nodded and after giving Taguchi’s hand a light squeeze he got out of the car.

He pressed the buzzer of his neighbour to get into the building and then called into her apartment to pick up his key and drop of some of the Christmas cake Taguchi’s mum had sent back with him. It would have been much more convenient if he’d had a spare key, but he’d given that to Taguchi, and no amount of inconvenience in the world was enough for him to take it back.

He expected the dogs to be excited and jump up at him as soon as he opened the door, but as he’d gone into the kitchen they seemed to sense his mood and fell quiet, expressing their happiness only in the wagging of their tails. He put down his bags and the food and then gathered up the dogs leads to take them out.

He felt completely drained of energy, he was sad but he was holding together, he just felt empty. He let the dogs off the leashes once they reached the park and then found a bench to sit on, but he tried not to let his mind wander despite the way his fingers moved to fondle the ring on his other hand.

It had been incredibly sweet of Taguchi to give it to him, and it reminded him of just how in tune they seemed to be sometimes. They always laughed at Taguchi for being the KY of the group, but it seemed when there was something he cared about he really was anything but it. Ueda had looked at the new LV collection when it had first been advertised, but among all of the new selection of rings, the only one that caught his eye was the one now glinting at him in the early evening sun. Had he told Taguchi that? Or had the younger man seen him looking and noticed it? Or had Taguchi just become so used to him that he knew what things he would like?  

He’d never told him that he would enjoy a weekend away to go backpacking, or scuba diving...or that he was just romantic enough that he loved the idea of watching the sunset, and he’d certainly never let on that his heart gave a weak flutter every time the younger man called him ‘baby’.

His mind wandered back to that song, he really liked it and yet he’d never really got it, not until now. He thought back to him and Taguchi singing those words together so long ago, peacefully oblivious to how much it would hurt them years later. He couldn’t say he regretted what he had with Taguchi, if he could go back and change things, knowing what he knew now, he wouldn’t change a thing, the times they had were too precious.

He found himself humming, and laughed a little to himself, he could almost hear Taguchi’s voice shooting off ridiculous puns about how his favourite colour was blue and how Ueda was his baby...like it was fate or something, but there had been no puns that night, only pain.

He knew it was time to leave once he felt icy nips along his cheeks where the winter chill in the air almost froze the tears he hadn’t known he was shedding. He stood from the bench and called the dogs back to him, and then he returned to the quiet of his apartment.  


	9. January 1st 2013

The New Year brought with it news of lots of work. Ueda landed a hefty supporting role in a new action drama that also starred many popular young actors and actresses, and Taguchi the lead in a romance drama.

Christmas felt like a lifetime ago, Taguchi and Ueda had barely had chance to even speak to each other besides for countdown rehearsals, until the previous night.

Ueda groaned as he rolled over in bed, he was hot and sticky with sweat, and in the worst condition he’d been in for a good while. After the countdown show they’d gone, as usual, to visit the shrine, and then over to YamaPi’s place for a New Year party.

He couldn’t really remember much of it apart from that there had been a lot of people there, Johnny’s and other celebrities, and lots of friends of friends of somebody there. That annoying girl had been there too, Mayu-chan as Taguchi called her, and why would Taguchi even bother talking to his bandmate and supposed love of his life when she was there?

He guessed he had been a little harsh on Taguchi the previous night though, he had been kind of friends with the girl since they’d worked on a drama together all those years ago, and now with this new drama that they were the co-stars of, it was only natural they’d want to rekindle their friendship. He’d just been jealous, jealous and drunk, and lovesick...and he really hoped he hadn’t done anything too stupid that night.

He heard the front door open and sat up alarmed, but the sudden movement caused a repulsive churning in his stomach and he barely had time to lean over the side of his bed before he was emptying his stomach.

“Nice, real classy Tatsuya” came Taguchi’s voice, unreadable, from the doorway to his bedroom. “Didn’t you hear your alarm? Kame said he set it last night...” Ueda just shook his head, groaning at the mind-numbing throbbing it caused, and then he heaved again. “You need to get up...you’ve already missed one meeting, we’ve managed to push the next one back a little but it only gives us an hour before we need to be there.” There was a moment or two in which Ueda tried to move, but it just wasn’t happening “Tatsuya, get up”.

He tried again, but other than rolling onto his back he didn’t achieve anything else. Taguchi heaved an annoyed sigh before turning and leaving the room, Ueda could hear the sounds of running water and soon enough Taguchi returned. Without a word he walked over to the bed, avoiding the mess on the floor and flung back the covers before dragging Ueda close enough that he could pick him up.

He was set down next on the floor next to the toilet and Taguchi pulled him up to sitting before leaning his head over the toilet. Ueda was about to tell Taguchi that he didn’t need to be sick anymore, when Taguchi’s hand began rubbing his back firmly, encouraging him to vomit again.

When there was nothing left Taguchi helpfully wiped his mouth and dragged him up to his feet, before flushing the toilet. “Do you think you can manage to go to the toilet by yourself?” he asked, voice annoyed but with a hint of concern in it. Ueda just nodded, and then braced himself against the wall when Taguchi’s arms let him go.

When he came out from the toilet he was greeted with the relaxing smell of lavender, he followed it to the bathroom where he found Taguchi waiting for him. Taguchi walked over and silently began peeling him out of his sweat soaked pyjamas, before leading him, naked, to the filled bathtub and helping him to climb in.

His eyes closed naturally as he lay back, enjoying the heat, just the perfect temperature, though of course Taguchi would know what that was for him. He sank back into the water, resting his aching head against the cold plastic of the tub and he didn’t even notice Taguchi had left the room until he heard the sound of a tap elsewhere in his apartment.

He couldn’t say how long had passed or where Taguchi had been, but eventually he returned to the bathroom, he pulled up a stool by the side of the bath and nudged Ueda gently. “Don’t fall asleep in there” he said, his voice much calmer now, toned more with sadness or maybe pity than annoyance. “Come here, let me wash your hair...” and without thinking, Ueda obeyed, turning his body around and sitting forward a little to allow Taguchi more room. He relaxed his head back again once Taguchi began rubbing conditioner firmly into his hair, by now Taguchi knew how particular he was about his hair, the specific routine necessary to get it looking its best. After a few minutes of massaging the conditioner into his hair, Taguchi gently pushed Ueda forward again so that he could rinse it all out.

When he was done he allowed Ueda to lean back again, eyes still closed, the comfort of Taguchi’s hands drawing him in, his heart aching with the knowledge that he couldn’t have this. He felt Taguchi’s hands around his shoulders, the closest thing to an embrace possible without Taguchi getting soaked, and then Taguchi’s head leaning against the wet locks on his own.

“What am I to do with you, huh?” Taguchi almost whispered, before placing a light kiss on the back of Ueda’s head, and then he was stood up and walking away. “I’ll go feed the dogs while you get ready but you’ll have to walk them later. Don’t be long ok?”

He did as instructed, reluctantly climbing out of the bath and drying himself off before dressing in the clean clothes Taguchi had placed on the counter. Then he dried and styled his hair before brushing his teeth and putting on a little make up to make him look better than he felt. Next he collected his bag and keys from his bedroom, noticing that the mess on the floor had been cleaned up, before heading into the kitchen where Taguchi was busy packing food together in a bag.

He turned when Ueda cleared his throat “There wasn’t time to make a proper bento but you need to eat something when you feel up to it...how are you feeling?”

Ueda could barely meet his eyes, he didn’t deserve this “You didn’t need to clean up...” but he couldn’t continue.

“Right, cos you were in the state to...here, take some tablets for your head and then we’ll go...” and he passed over two tablets and a glass of water.

Ueda took them and followed Taguchi out of the door, he was about to head to his own car but Taguchi gripped his arm, pulling him towards his. “I’ll drive, we need to talk” he said, his tone serious.

Ueda nodded and climbed into the passenger seat of the mini.

“How bad was I?” Ueda asked tentatively when they had set off.

“You mean during or after the party?” Taguchi asked, that annoyed tone in his voice again. “You were a real jerk you know...you were just acting like a prick, and doing stupid stuff...drinking too much, knocking things over, peeing in YamaPi’s closet...you said some really mean stuff to Mayu-chan too...” Taguchi concluded quietly.

Ueda’s cheeks flushed, he never got drunk at these parties, he knew he sometimes got stupid when drunk, but looking like an idiot he could deal with, it was that hurt expression on Taguchi’s face that threw him. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember what I said...I hope she wasn’t too upset.”

There was a slight smirk on Taguchi’s face, but on the whole it still looked annoyed. “Don’t worry, she gave back as good as she got...if anything you came out of it worst” Ueda just nodded. “I mean that doesn’t excuse it...you still made us all look like idiots.”

“I’m sorry...” he said pitifully.

“Yeah, well you should be...and make sure you say it to the rest of the guys too, Kame especially, he got lumped with bringing you home...”

“Did I...you said about after the party?”

“Well I wasn’t there, but Kame said you tried to lecture the taxi driver on love before bursting into a fit of tears, throwing up down Kame’s expensive suit, which you’re paying to have cleaned, and then insisting Kame carry you up to your apartment.”

Ueda winced “I’m such an idiot”

“You are...Kame is really pissed...also you might want to apologise to YamaPi about the closet thing, I don’t know if he knows about it, but I’m sure he’s noticed someone did it and it’d probably work out in your favour to own up...” Ueda nodded “I’ll give you Mayu-chan’s number too, she’s out of town for a few weeks again but you can call her sometime to apologise...”

Ueda nodded and spent the rest of the journey in silent thought, feeling ashamed of himself. When they finally pulled into the car park of the Jimusho he turned to Taguchi. “Junno, I’m sorry...I know I acted stupidly, I was just...I missed you and things were complicated...”

“Tatsuya...” Taguchi cut him off “I get it, I know why you were in that state...I felt like it myself, but...” he sighed and cleared his throat “The whole reason we broke up is for the sake of the band right...for our careers, for the rest of them, so we could continue as a group...but if you’re going to go pulling shit like this then what was the point? If you let this happen again and the newspapers catch wind of it, then you’ll screw us into the ground all by yourself and we won’t even have anything to show for it...” Ueda tried to speak but Taguchi cut him off again “I know it’s not just your fault, I blame myself for keeping on coming back to you...for not giving you space to move on, but I promise that it’s over now...I won’t come calling for you again...”

Ueda could feel tears building up in his eyes, he knew Taguchi was hurting, but that they were hurting the group too. He loved Taguchi, he loved him with all of his heart, but it would be selfish to risk the careers of his closest friends, friends who would do anything for him, just for his own gain. He nodded, he knew it had to end.  


	10. February 14th 2013

He’d stuck to his promise, it had been weeks and things had been much better for the group. Their activities both as a group and individually had increased, and he was preparing for his new drama that would begin filming in a few weeks time.

Taguchi was still madly in love with Ueda, but since Ueda was already filming for his own drama, the time they spent together was much less than usual, making it easier not to be tempted by the other man.

On the occasions they were together with the group, things were hectic, with so much work to do and so many scheduling conflicts, they had to put all their effort into their work whenever they got the chance. It was as though they didn’t even have time to be anything other than band mates, they were too distracted with work to remember that things had once been better between them.

Taguchi suspected that, to an outsider, their relationship looked completely natural, like there was no tension between them at all, and he would believe it himself if it weren’t for those occasional glances, the lingering stares and the way that Ueda would return his smiles, always a little weak with his eyes downcast. If it weren’t for the gold ring that never left Ueda’s finger.

 Things were a little harder the closer Valentine’s Day drew. With the aura of love in the air, sweet with hope and excitement for new relationships, and with the near constant bombardment with questions of love in Magazine Interviews, it was hard not to think of the love he had once had.

“Do you believe in true love?” the presenter asked and Taguchi momentarily held his breath. He was sitting home alone, eating cereal while watching the cast of Ueda’s drama do a live interview on some breakfast show. He was there with two other male co-stars, and the sexy female co-star, the dark horse of the show.

He released his breath with Ueda’s enthusiastic reply of “Of course, there has to be someone out there for everyone right? Being alone is so sad” it seemed like the right answer, the presenter nodded and smiled moving onto the rest of the cast.

He zoned out for a moment but his attention was grabbed again when they all started laughing, the girl was blushing about something or other.

“It’s true” one of the other men spoke up. “She greeted us all this morning in the dressing room and gave chocolates to each of us...I don’t know if she intended for us to see or not, but I noticed that Ueda-kun’s box was a little bigger than ours” his eyes widened and the camera panned back over to Ueda, his face was calm though a little red as he muttered ‘thank yous’ and other things about being flattered.

He felt strangely angry, and he huffed in annoyance as the camera panned back to the girl next, very bright in the face and giggly, just in time for comments about how the drama was meant to be action not romance.

He switched the TV off, it made him feel sick with how coy and girly she was acting, stupid slut. Ueda had mentioned her a few times in passing but from what he’d just seen it looked as though things were much more comfortable than he’d been letting on.

He stood up, feeling restless, so what if this girl had a crush on Ueda...it didn’t look as though Ueda really did feel the same about her. He nodded to himself in agreement, besides he knew Ueda, better than most people and he definitely knew what Ueda was like when he was in love, and that was not it.

He was thankful he had some kind of work that day, anything to distract him, but it was just a short solo photoshoot for his drama promotion, it came and went quickly and then he found himself at home, alone again, dwelling on that interview.

He wondered briefly whether he should have sent chocolates, he wasn’t a girl, but Ueda was a boy so White Day wouldn’t be any better, but then he shook his head, what was he even thinking? The idea of it was ridiculous, they were supposed to be staying away from each other...

His thought process was interrupted by his phone ringing, he looked at the screen and his heart gave a strong thump as he saw who it was, Ueda. He picked it up cautiously “Hello?” but when there was no answer he spoke again “Tatsuya?”

He thought he could hear something and he strained his ears to listen hard, a sniff maybe, and shaky breath, then a slightly louder clatter. There were a few more moments of silence and then the sound of a piano, just a single note. There was another brief pause, another sniff and then the piano started again, continuing this time into a song.

He knew what it was right away, what it meant, and before he could think anything else he felt tears splashing down onto his hands. As the chorus kicked in the music slowed just slightly, the keys touched softer in the way they were when Ueda’s hands shook, and then he heard that quiet sniff again.

Fuck it. He could think nothing else as he grabbed his keys and slipped his shoes on, darting from his apartment.

When he arrived at Ueda’s apartment he let himself in, he found the older man in the music room where he had expected him to be. He was slumped over the piano with his head on his arms, tear marks on his face and his eyes staring glassily into nothing.

“Tatsuya?” he tried tentatively, taking a step closer.

He huffed out a relieved breath when Ueda blinked, pushing himself back up to a sitting position. “You came...”

Taguchi took a few steps closer, and when Ueda shuffled aside a little he sat down on the piano stool beside him. Ueda considered him for a few moments, and then he turned, almost shakily and his hands moved to cover the piano keys, the faint melody of ‘Baby Blue’ again.

“What’s brought this on?” Taguchi asked gently as he reached out to catch Ueda’s hands in his own, he just couldn’t listen to that song again, not in this state, with Ueda right there in the state he was in.

Ueda looked down and his hands dropped to his knees. “She confessed...”

“That girl from the drama?” Taguchi asked though he didn’t really need to.

Ueda nodded “This morning she gave me Valentine’s chocolates, and then after work she asked me to go out to a cafe with her...and then she told me she’d liked me for a long time, before we’d even met...and that since meeting...” he trailed off but he seemed to realise what he’d done and he looked up “I didn’t know how to respond.”

“Well how do you feel about her?” he pushed gently.

“Like she’ll never be you...” he said sadly, but then he cleared his throat almost shyly and continued “I used to think she was really pretty, but ever since you, I just...it’s like I don’t care about anyone else. I can’t imagine ever being with anybody but you.”

He wrapped an arm around Ueda’s shoulders, pulling the smaller man in to lean against him. He could almost feel the cracks forming in his heart as it prepared to shatter, his own loneliness was one thing, but seeing Ueda in this state was killing him.

“I know baby” he rubbed a hand soothingly up and down Ueda’s arm as the smaller man’s frame began to jerk with silent sobs. He turned his head enough to kiss the untidy black mass of Ueda’s hair, and then again just a little to the side of the last kiss.

He felt movement, Ueda’s head angling up, soft eyes turning on him questioningly, Ueda leaning up, closer, anxiously, a last quick lick of his lips and then they were pressing against Taguchi’s. He froze, heart hammering in his chest and his whole body alert with how wrong this was.

Ueda pecked him again, turning further to face him, one knee up on the stool now to press closer with his body. And Ueda’s lips on his again, the rough calloused skin of his hands cupping his cheeks so softly that he couldn’t help a sigh.

When Ueda’s lips met his again his own moved just a little in response, urging Ueda on as the suffocating scent of Ueda all around him pushed all rationality from his mind. The lips pressed harder against his and he was lost, pressing back into it, swiping his tongue out, Ueda’s whimper sending a jolt of excitement to his groin.

He knew where it was headed, how stupid it would be to go there, but he didn’t care, he felt taken over by need to give Ueda everything he could offer. The kiss moved deeper, his own soft moans mixing with Ueda’s whimpers as their hands began wandering, taking each other in as though it was the first time they’d touched.

Before he’d even realised it, Ueda was reaching for his trousers, opening them up and palming the hard flesh there through his boxers. He groaned, how long had he been waiting?

But the hand vanished too quickly, drawing away to Ueda’s own trousers and he opened them, before standing up to push both trousers and underwear to the floor. He stepped out of them and closer to Taguchi, eyes searching his constantly for reassurance before they closed and their lips met once more.

Taguchi closed his own eyes, savouring the sweetness of the kiss, but he could feel Ueda’s body moving again and he opened his eyes just as Ueda climbed onto him, straddling his lap. He took a deep breath as Ueda pulled back, hands moving to his boxers again to take out his erection.

Ueda slid forward a little on his lap, grasping their erections together in one hand and rubbing slowly as he leaned in to be kissed again.

Taguchi felt like he was on fire, all heat draining into his groin as he fisted his hand into Ueda’s shirt, trying to keep a grasp on his sanity, and then just as suddenly the friction was gone.

He cried out in frustration, hips bucking involuntarily for stimulation, but Ueda just kissed him, kissed the noises he was making into submission before sitting back, keeping his eyes locked on Taguchi’s as he spat into his hand.

Taguchi groaned, just the sight of it, the knowledge of what it meant and he felt almost crazy with desire. His eyes clenched as the hand wrapped around him, not trying to pleasure him, but he still had to bite down on his lip to hold himself back.

 Slowly, Ueda pushed himself up, positioning Taguchi’s erection before sliding even more slowly back down. The pain on Ueda’s face made Taguchi feel somewhat sober again and he rubbed his hands across Ueda’s back soothingly until the older man was fully seated in his lap again.

Ueda’s breathing was harsh and ragged, and a mix of pity and love drove Taguchi’s lust to something else, something deeper, like desire and desperation, and a burning need that made his heart throb. He pulled Ueda close to his chest, holding him almost suffocatingly tight and before he knew they were coming, hot tears splashed down his cheeks and onto Ueda’s shirt.

Ueda started moving, rocking his hips slowly against Taguchi’s but it was clear that the shaky breaths weren’t driven by pleasure, Ueda was crying too.

It was strange, the whole situation seemed ridiculous, to be so broken and raw and to still want sex, but even as the heat began pooling he knew he didn’t even really want sex, it wasn’t about lust at all. He just needed Ueda, needed him with every cell in his body, so badly that he couldn’t say it, that screaming would not do it justice. It hurt unbearably and the only way he could think to express how badly he needed the other man was this, it was the only way to find comfort from the pressure in his chest, to force it downwards and out in orgasmic release.

His fists clenched tightly into Ueda’s shirt as he pushed back against Ueda’s hips, grunting sobs in between kisses into the older man’s throat. “I love you” he choked out “Baby, I love you so much”

Ueda didn’t answer, he just pressed his lips hard into Taguchi’s flesh, first in that spot just below his ear, then further round, across his jaw and cheek, until finally reaching his lips. They kept their lips locked, Ueda half moaning, and half wailing into his mouth with each thrust despite the tears still streaming down.

After an immeasurable length of time, Taguchi knew his climax was approaching, he could feel the heat trembling in his limbs and he unclenched one hand to bring it between them, but Ueda shook his head.

“Just kiss me” he pleaded, and then as Taguchi complied, pushing his tongue into Ueda’s mouth, he moaned “Don’t stop kissing me...”

Taguchi continued, his free hand moving instead to Ueda’s short hair, grasping onto it like a lifeline as he held Ueda’s head close to his, panting between ferocious kisses, all tongue and teeth and sharp high moans, until Ueda cried out, his whole body shuddering in Taguchi’s lap.

He released his grip in the soft locks, sliding his hand back down to rub soothingly up and down his back as Ueda continued to shake, harsh gasps voiced against his lips. He thrust his hips just a few more times before stilling, his release taking over him, washing the pain and hurt temporarily from his body, leaving his mind blissfully blank.

Eventually, Ueda’s quiet gasps brought him back to reality, and he turned his face to the side, kissing gently across his cheek once more until their lips met in the most tender of brushes.

Without a word he stood up, lifting Ueda with him and hoisting him enough to slide out of him, before pulling him close in embrace. He moved through the familiar rooms, carrying Ueda to his bedroom where he pulled back the covers before lowering him down and peeling off the sticky shirt to wipe the remnants of their passion from his still trembling body.

He leant down to kiss Ueda’s forehead before tucking back a loose strand of hair from in front of face, and then he pulled the covers up and turned to leave.

He made it almost to the door when a quiet sob stopped him, he turned back to the bed to see Ueda holding out a hand “Junno...please stay with me...”

He couldn’t refuse that, and so he crept back over, stripping out of his own clothes before sliding under the covers beside Ueda, pulling him close. It was what they both needed, though he was scared about what this closeness might cost them. He had been doing well since Christmas, he knew he was still in love with Ueda, but they both seemed to be doing better, maybe not quite moving on, but coping at least.

His heart was hammering in fear, fear of what he was feeling, of what Ueda might be thinking, of how much it would hurt them both when he had to leave the next morning. He wondered briefly if he was even doing the right thing by staying tonight, would it be easier on them both if he left now, but Ueda’s gentle voice shattered any thought he had of actually leaving.

“Junno” he whispered, snuggling deeper into Taguchi’s embrace “Never let me go.”


	11. February 15th 2013

He rolled over, his half-sleeping body seeking out the warmth he remembered being there the night before. It had to have been pretty early when his once lover tucked him gently into bed, and only a little later than that when his tears finally stopped and he drifted, almost peacefully, into one of the best night’s sleep he’d had in such a long time.

He’d woken only once in the night, sitting bolt upright in confusion at the situation, but Taguchi, by his side, had lain him back down, kissing him gently and wrapping those strong, safe arms around him, nuzzling into the back of his neck until sleep found him again.

Now the sun was almost fully up in the sky, he must have slept for a long time, but he wanted to stay sleeping just a little longer, to stay shielded from the harshness of reality. He stretched out an arm, searching for Taguchi but he found nothing.

His eyes shot open, but realising he was alone in his bed, he felt suddenly cold. He took a few deep breaths, but then remembered that Taguchi often woke before him. Feeling mildly relieved he pushed himself up, wincing at the pain in his rear as he dragged himself to his feet, he knew from experience with Taguchi that spit was hardly ideal as a lubricant, but he’d been so desperate the previous night that he hadn’t cared.

He pulled on some sweatpants and made his way through to the kitchen, listening out for sounds of Taguchi, but he could hear none. There was no smell of rice cooking as he’d been expecting, no sounds of running water from the bathroom as he passed it, no sign at all of the other man.

“Junno?” he almost whispered, the quiet unnerving him, but the only response he received was a small whine and the padding of numerous doggy paws. He stroked a dog’s head while passing, but he was focusing only on his apartment, and any sign from it that Taguchi was there, or even had been there.

He searched through each room, but there was nothing, no shoes in the genkan, no clothes left sprawled across the music room floor, or his bedroom, no sign of the shower being used, not even a note. He let out a defeated puff of air and then went about feeding the dogs before wandering slowly back along the hall to his bedroom, climbing back under the covers and pulling them above his head.

As the covers wafted, the air carried with them a slight hint of Taguchi’s scent, and peeking back out of the covers he noticed the other pillow, where Taguchi’s head had rested through the night. Without thinking he pulled it to him, wrapping his arms around it and burying his face into it to inhale as much as he could of Taguchi.

He couldn’t tell if he’d fallen asleep, or just into some kind of daze, but some time later he was roused by the sound of his dogs barking, and as he listened closer, a light musical tinkling. With great effort he pushed himself out of bed and along the hallway, recognising the sound now as his phone ringing. He looked at the display, Kame, and after taking a deep breath he answered it, voice flatter than he’d meant it.

“Where the fuck are you? We have interviews today!” came Kame’s shrill voice.

He knew he must have known about them, but his mind was too foggy to even try and think about it. “I’m sorry Kame...I guess, maybe my alarm didn’t go off or something...”

“Well hurry up and get here!  I’ve been trying to call you for 20 minutes! I’ll mail you the address, just get here as soon as you can ok?”

He nodded, but realising Kame wouldn’t be able to see he cleared his throat “Yeah, sorry. I’ll be there.”

He showered as quickly as he could with his mind still half a world away, and then threw on some clothes and a hat before shutting the dogs away and setting off to the venue.

As soon as he arrived he found his way too their dressing room where Koki and Maru were sitting looking over some lyrics Koki was working on.

“What happened? You look like shit...” Maru blurted out insensitively as he put down his bag.

“Up all night with a certain co-star were we?” chuckled Koki.

“Fuck you” Ueda snapped back, he knew what that interview must have looked like, and he expected this from the journalists but not his own friends, they must know he couldn’t possibly have accepted her.

“You’re here” Kame sighed, sounding relieved as he walked into the room.

“Kame, I’m sorry” and suddenly he turned his attention back on the others too, they must have felt a bit put out too “Guys, I’m sorry, I fucked up...”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it now” Kame assured him, “But they want you in make up as soon as possible...they switched some stuff round so that we could still get some stuff done before you got here. I’ve already done my solo stuff, they’re doing Taguchi’s now but we need to do the group stuff next or I won’t be able to leave on time...you’d better check what’s going on with you too, I thought you had drama filming today.”

“Shit” he’d forgotten about that too, “yeah, I’ll call my manager while I’m in make up, thanks” and he hurried off to get ready.

Thankfully, with the schedule shuffled round he would still make it to his filming on time, provided he did his solo parts after the group. He finished in make up and went along to the set, but he saw Taguchi waiting along one of the corridors, looking down guiltily when he saw Ueda coming.

Something snapped and he slammed Taguchi hard into the wall by his shoulder as he reached him. His anger bubbling, everything building up, the disappointment  of waking up alone, the confusion and hurt of finding no trace of Taguchi’s presence in his apartment, Taguchi’s thoughtlessness at just leaving and not bothering to make sure he would wake up for work.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” he practically hissed, but when Taguchi made no response but to swallow hard, face crumpled with guilt and concern, he let him go, walking away from him and onto the set.

He managed to cope through the group pictures and interview, pretending to be happy and unaffected, professional, but he deflated with a sigh once they announced it was done. He had ten minutes to wait while they altered the set and lighting for his solo shots, and he was surprised when Kame gripped onto his arm, leading him away from the dressing room and into a smaller, unoccupied room.

“What’s going on with you?” Kame asked, mildly annoyed, but with more concern than anything in his voice “This isn’t like you Tacchan, but there was New Year, then this...it’s almost like you don’t care about work anymore...”

He felt terrible. “I’m so sorry Kame...last night was...I had a bit of a rough day yesterday and I was so tired, and I left my phone in the other room and I just...it won’t happen again...I swear Kame, I’m so sorry...”

“Was it because of Valentine’s Day? I know things are still a bit weird between you and Taguchi...and I saw that interview you did...”

“She confessed to me, after it...but I didn’t know how to respond...I didn’t even realise she’s been flirting with me this whole time...and it was a shock and I wasn’t ready for it...”

“I can understand that...” Kame admitted, but then he glanced at his watch standing up to leave, “I’m sorry, I really do need to get going...but just...” he sighed and sat back down again, taking Ueda’s hand loosely in his own. “I can see that you’re in a state, so I can only imagine how bad it is up there in your head...but, you’ve got to move on. You stopped what you had with Taguchi so that you wouldn’t end up hurting the band...but if you don’t pull yourself together you’re going to do it anyway...I’m sorry, I know that’s a harsh thing to say, but I’m just worried you know?”

He nodded, it wasn’t the first time he’d received one of these lectures, but Kame was right, just as Taguchi had been, he was hurting the group worse this way, he had to sort himself out. “Thanks Kame...I will, I’ll get on top of this ok?” he forced a smile though inside he felt like crying “I’m sorry for worrying you...”

Kame nodded, letting go of his hand and standing to leave again. “Hey Tacchan, we’ll get together sometime ok, hang out, we can talk if you want to...we’re a group right? So we’ll be behind you on this.” And he pumped his fist in the air in a sign of victory that made Ueda feel a little warm inside. He nodded, smiling, as Kame left, and then got up to leave himself, going for a drink before his solo work.

He checked his phone out of habit when he reached his bag, a new mail, from Taguchi. He glanced around before opening it, but the man in question was nowhere to be found. He opened the mail hesitantly. ‘How could I have woken you?’ And as he scrolled down he saw there was a picture attached. It was a picture of himself, clearly taken earlier that morning on Taguchi’s cell phone. He was curled facing towards Taguchi, the other man’s hand clasped preciously in his own and the softest smile resting on his sleeping face. There was no sign of worry or hurt on his face, just peace and happiness, his features smooth and relaxed like he hadn’t seen them in so long, and he smiled, understanding at least, he couldn’t have woken Taguchi from that either.


	12. March 28th 2013

The weeks passed and things weren’t getting any better, in fact if Ueda was pushed for a comment, he’d say they were worse. The feelings were there still, raw and tempting and heart-breakingly strong, only now the two of them were much more cautious.

They avoided being together, talking to each other even, sometimes, Taguchi even refused to look at him. Ueda knew it was for the best, that if they didn’t keep their distance they would likely slip up again, but even if he knew Taguchi was only acting so coldly because he loved him so much, it still felt like a kick in the gut.

KAT-TUN were already in meetings about their summer tour, this time it would be bigger and better they promised each other…this time nobody would start fucking each other - Ueda knew they were all thinking it even if nobody said it.

“Ueda-kun?” he was startled from his thoughts with the voice of one of the staff.

“Sorry?” he replied, flushing a little.

“I was just asking about your solo…are you working on something yourself or would you like to see a list of contributing artists?”

He hadn’t even thought about it, usually when lives came around it was one of the first things he wanted to  perfect but this time around he had nothing. He hadn’t even considered writing in so long. “Yeah, I’ll see the list please.”

The staff member looked slightly surprised, it had been years since he hadn’t written his own solo and usually he was only asked out of politeness. “Ok, I’ll have the list along with some demos mailed to you.” He just nodded, not wanting to look at the concerned expressions on his band-mates faces.

From the sound of scraping chairs that followed, he figured it must be the end of the meeting. He was vaguely aware that they had another meeting next in the same room so he just slumped down onto the table.

He was exhausted, he’d been sleeping a little better recently but not as well as he used too and the steady increase in his work load had really been taking its toll on him. Thankfully he only had two full days left before filming would be over for his drama, he was sad about it since he had genuinely enjoyed the experience, but he was also a little relieved at not having to see that girl on a daily basis anymore.

Things had been perfectly civil between them on set, though not quite as comfortable as before, and both their other cast mates and the press had picked up on that, leading to endless headlines in gossip magazines about the fragile state of their ‘relationship’.

Another thing to be glad for was that he wouldn’t have to juggle drama filming and concert preparations like Taguchi did. Taguchi’s drama had begun filming two weeks ago and Ueda felt a little sorry for him that it wouldn’t be over until after the start of their tour. It wasn’t the first time any of them had filming at the same time as concerts, but that didn’t mean it was easy.

“How are you holding up?” Koki asked, plopping down into the seat beside him and almost spilling the drinks he was carrying. “How about some nice, fresh, filter coffee?” he grimaced, handing one of the paper cups to Ueda.

“Thanks” he snorted but it was better than nothing and he took a small sip, face only scrunching a little at the bitterness.

“Kame and Maru went out to get some decent drinks…and I think we’re going to order in some pizza after this next one.”

Ueda nodded “What is it now?”

“Set list discussion…then we have the costume people coming in to measure us and throw some ideas around.”

“It’s going to be a long day” Ueda groaned, it was only the early afternoon but he knew what the costume designers were like, they’d probably be here all night.

“You both seem to be doing better these days…I know things aren’t ideal, but…”

Ueda nodded “You know it’s been more than six months since we broke up…” he smiled a little bitterly, remembering his earlier thoughts concerning today’s date. “Actually…this time a year ago the thought of sleeping with him hadn’t even crossed my mind…but just a few hours later and…it was so stupid, I wasn’t even attracted to him, I was pissed at him…”

Koki laughed a little, but there were traces of pity in his expression “It’s not like you could have known this would happen…”

“I think Kame did…he warned us plenty enough, but we were just so sure we were right…”

“That’s because you’re so stubborn”

He nodded “Yeah, thanks Koki” and he lay his head back down against the table, he’d been thinking about it too much today. It felt like a lifetime ago that they were sneaking around in hotels, crushing mouths together in desperate kisses, bodies melding together in blissful perfection.

He glanced across the room at Taguchi, tucked away in a quiet corner, his headphones in and a script in his hand. His heart leapt in his chest when the eyes across from him flicked up, their gazes locking momentarily until they both turned away.

The room was suddenly feeling surprisingly hot and Ueda stood up ungracefully, mumbling something about fresh air as he made his way to the door.

He didn’t know where he was going, or why he’d suddenly needed to get away, the things he was trying to get away from were inside his head after all, flashes of images, memories, Taguchi’s playful grin hovering above him, leaning in for a kiss.

He shook his head, it wasn’t helping, he couldn’t do this. He noticed a bathroom just ahead and he headed towards that, storming straight into a cubicle and locking the door. He leaned back against the wall, his shaky breaths coming out too loud, echoing in the small tiled room as he tried to resist the onslaught of images, Taguchi’s gentle words as he pushed his fingers in and out of him.

He put a hand on his chest as though it might calm his hammering heart, as though it might keep the rest of him from falling apart. He wanted nothing more than for Taguchi to come after him, to whisper sweet encouraging words into his ear and to wrap him in strong arms, holding him together.

He let out a frustrated grunt, kicking at the wall opposite him as he rested his head back on the one behind him. It was stupid, to need him so much now, to need the one person that had done this to him, that had left him in this state. That wasn’t quite right either though, he’d been the one to say it first…the one to admit they’d gone too far, he was the one who ended it.

He wondered briefly where they would be now if he’d never said it, if they’d continued pretending, would it have lasted this long? Would they have still spent Christmas in each other’s arms, hushed moans spilling into each other’s mouths as they tasted sweet perfection in the way their bodies connected.

Would Taguchi be here with him now, lips hard and urgent against his own, their hips grinding together to find that little piece of heaven before they needed to head back to work. Just the thought had him hardening, and he cringed with how messed up it was, but now that those gates had been opened he could think of nothing else.

He quickly unfastened his trousers, pushing them roughly down to mid-thigh in desperation to alleviate some of this tension. He wrapped a firm hand around himself, stroking hard, thrusting his hips into his own hand as he thought of Taguchi, his firm muscles, the feel of his skin as Ueda clung to his shoulders, legs splayed out, giving himself over completely. The soft grunts and moans Taguchi made coming alive in his ears, his husky lust-laden voice, and the sweet words he was so desperate to hear ‘I love you’.

He only just managed to reach for some toilet paper before he was spilling over, his body shaking as the echo of his own cry settled in the air around him. He took a few deep breaths, closing his eyes and wishing more than anything that the ground would swallow him up.

But when his eyes opened he was still there, in the dingy little bathroom stall, sticky white fluid half caught and half dribbling over his hand, and he felt ashamed of what he’d done. He wiped his hand quickly before throwing the tissue into the toilet and flushing it, re-fastening and adjusting his clothes before stepping out of the stall.

He was thankful that at least he was still alone, and he walked over to the sink, washing his hands thoroughly, even taking off his ring to ensure it was cleaned properly before placing it back on his finger.

He glanced at himself in the mirror in front of him, taking in the flushed cheeks, the dark bags under his eyes, and the eyes themselves, still looking empty. He shook his head in disappointment with himself, and then splashed water over his face to wake him up a little before heading back to the meeting room.


	13. April 27th 2013

Work was becoming a struggle, or rather it had been a struggle for a long time, but it was getting to the point where Taguchi felt like he was losing it.

He’d been convincing himself all along that he just needed to move on, to let Ueda move on and they’d be fine, that if he carried on smiling and avoiding Ueda it would happen, and everyone around him would believe he is happy again.

Only he’s not, he’s felt like there is a knot in his stomach ever since that incident on Valentine’s Day, since he started acting coldly towards Ueda the day after. What makes it worse now though is that everyone is starting to believe like they were supposed to.

He walked into the rehearsal room, his usual cheery smile in place as he waved hello to the room in general, but his heart sunk a little at Ueda’s slight nod, his eyes downcast. He wondered just how well he was doing at convincing people he was happy, if Ueda believed it too.

He knew it was the best he could hope for that Ueda thought he had moved on, then Ueda would be able to move on too, but at the same time the idea of Ueda thinking he didn’t love him, the thought of Ueda not loving him, was more than he could bear.

He knew the others were at least starting to believe it, Koki no longer called him every evening just to see what he was up to, Maru no longer watched him from across the room, studying him for any sign that his mask might slip, and Kame was acting more like himself again, instead of some wise old man sharing the wisdom of his experiences.

While he did miss the attention a little, it was enough to know they cared, but when it came to Ueda, just being around him was killing him.

He tried to avoid being in the same room as the other man as much as possible, he spent most of his break times looking over scripts but it was hard to concentrate on his characters love story, while the person he wanted to love so badly was sitting just metres away.

Even talking to him directly was uncomfortable, mentally reminding himself not to slip into his old ways and call him by his given name, or even worse his pet name, but even his usual nickname felt too personal now.

The only weakness he allowed himself was the ring, Ueda hadn’t taken his off, and he had no plans to either, he meant what he’d said at Christmas, regardless of their situation there would always be part of him that belonged to Ueda.

It was just a short rehearsal and he spent it trying to focus completely on the steps he was learning, resisting the urge to run over to Ueda and help him through a particularly complicated series of steps. He ignored the way Ueda’s brow furrowed in that cute way when he was starting to get frustrated, or the way his fists clenched in anger when he still couldn’t get it, the large veins in his arms standing out in a strangely attractive way.

He turned away, trying not to let himself focus on Ueda’s increasingly sweaty state, the way his hair was getting damp around his neck and ears, the beads of moisture trailing almost sensually down his throat and the way that the urge to kiss them away had him beginning to harden in his pants.

He was relieved when the two hours were over and he rushed back to the dressing room, jumping straight into a cold shower to cool him off, just in time for his band members entering. He washed his hair and rinsed off quickly, determinedly looking anywhere but at the other naked bodies around him, scared of finding Ueda’s among them, and then after dressing and drying his hair he rushed off to film his drama.

He was relieved for yet another distraction, and although the love story he was part of was rather inconveniently painful, he was thoroughly enjoying the chance to act again. The story was well written and the production team were all very professional and friendly, and that was before getting onto the cast.

He was starring alongside Iwasa Mayuko, an incredibly beautiful and sweet girl that he’d got on well with during their time filming Ganbatte Ikimasshoi! Though it had been years since they’d worked together or even spoken, as soon as they found out they would be working together again she’d called him through his agent to congratulate him on the role and to catch up. They’d exchanged numbers then and had been in fairly regular contact since, though they didn’t see each other much until filming had started.

“Guchiiii” came her light, cheery tone from the doorway of his dressing room.

“Mayu-chan” he said, a little surprised as he turned to look at her. “I thought you finished filming an hour ago?”

“I did” she replied with a light pout on her lips as she entered the room. “I was just reading over some scripts and stuff until my next appointment.”

“You seem to be pretty busy…”

“Most of the time” she agreed with a slight smile “I’m free some evenings though…like tonight…if you wanted to go for dinner or something…” Taguchi was a little surprised and it must have shown on his face since in the next moment she was standing up, blushing and fiddling with her sleeves “I’m sorry, that was silly, it’s short notice and you must be busy…and I should…” she motioned for the door.

“No, hey wait” he said without thinking. “I mean we could go…it’s not unusual for co-workers to go out and eat together right? And I don’t have plans…”

“Really?” she asked, hope lighting up on her face again “I’d like to…”

“Great” he nodded “I’ll come by your hotel later then? Around eight?”

“Yeah, that’d be great…I’ll see you later…” and she left.

He was left dumbstruck for a moment as he tried to figure out what exactly had happened there, but it was only dinner after all, it’s not like he was going on a date or anything.

Still when eight came around he felt nervous enough for it to be one as he waited in the lobby of her hotel, dressed in smart trousers and a shirt. Mayuko came down the stairs just a few minutes later, looking natural but beautiful in a slinky cream and brown dress, her pale brown hair left hanging down naturally.

He took her hand out of politeness and lead her back outside where a taxi was still waiting for them. He was glad he hadn’t made any reservations at restaurants since as soon as they were sat comfortably in the back of the taxi, Mayuko began again with her light-hearted banter, talking about different restaurants that had been recommended to her recently.

In the end they went with Italian, laughing and chatting amiably as they fought their way through huge plates of pasta, sipping on glasses of beer.

“It’s so refreshing to drink beer with someone” Taguchi began without thinking “My ex wasn’t much of a beer drinker…”

Mayuko laughed “I guess most girls aren’t” and Taguchi couldn’t help but laugh bitterly at her statement. “What was she like?”

“Nice” he answered almost immediately, but then he realised how strange the sentiment sounded on its own and took a minute to think, he was a little drunk and he didn’t want to take any chances with letting the truth slip. “Different to my usual type, but nice, relaxing to be around but also really fun and sometimes wild. Incredibly stubborn and pig-headed most of the time, but also incredibly sweet…” he trailed off, his throat feeling a little thick and so he took another large gulp of his beer to wash it down.

Mayuko was regarding him with interest, maybe a little sadness mixed in “You love her right?”

Taguchi’s laugh surprised even himself “Am I that obvious?”

“You’re not afraid to show people how you’re feeling…I’ve always liked that about you”

That certainly used to be true, but ever since things started with Ueda, Taguchi felt like all he’d been doing was trying to hide his feelings. “I’m not so sure…” he realised after a few moments that he was staring off wistfully to the side so he turned his attention quickly back to Mayuko who he found smiling dotingly at him. “What?” he asked, breaking into a smile when hers grew wider.

“You” she chuckled “You’re irresistibly cute.”

He wasn’t exactly sure how he’d ended up back in Mayuko’s hotel room with her, he had a vague sense that there’d been more beer, and some alcohol talk, and he was fairly sure there’d been some promise of seeing her mini-bar with its array of obscure and expensive little bottles.

“My management told me to help myself so…if there’s anything you want…”

“I think I’ve had plenty enough to drink” he replied, ruining the seriousness of it with a comical hiccup.

There were hands on his face, small, soft, delicate, so different from Ueda’s and Mayuko’s light, airy giggle was ringing in his ears. Then her face was in view too, all bright-eyed and flushed cheeked, her lips glossy and her teeth white and shiny where she was smiling.

He didn’t think, he just did it, closing the distance and tasting her in a gentle kiss. Mayuko gave out a breathy sigh over his lips and kissed him again, pressing a little harder, and then sweeping her tongue gently over his lips.

“Wait” Taguchi said suddenly, pushing her away, “This is wrong…this is totally, incredibly…not good.”

Mayuko chuckled “It’s alright, we’re both responsible adults…”

A shudder ran through him at the sentiment, had that been his argument last time, or Ueda’s? Either way he didn’t want to make the same mistakes again.

“Mayu-chan, I like you, I do, you’re sweet and funny and beautiful, and obviously really sexy, but I’m not ready to get involved with anyone else” even in his drunken state he knew that much, the wounds were still far too raw.

“I don’t mind…” Mayuko replied shyly. “I can tell that you still have feelings for your ex…but for whatever reason you aren’t together anymore…I can help you move on. Guchi…I’ve liked you for a long time, even back then I liked you, and then when we started working together all those feelings rose back up…you’re not like other guys, you don’t try to act all cool, you’re my friend…and I like you, I like you a lot…”

“Thank you…but I can’t feel the same way right now…”

“I understand that…but until you can, I just want to be with you any way that you’ll have me. If you want to sleep with me, or if you just want to talk to me…I’ll take whatever I can get…I won’t expect your feelings in return…” when Taguchi wavered only slightly she leaned back in to kiss him again “Let me make you feel good…”


	14. May 3rd 2013

It took longer than it should for him to realise that it wasn't his alarm clock that woke him but an incoming call. After pushing two wrong buttons he finally got the right one.

 

“Taguchi- kun are you there?” came his managers urgent voice.

 

“Yeah...I'm here, what's wrong?” and then noticing how dark the room was he sat up a little “What time is it?”

 

“Did I wake you?” she said sounding only a little smug. “I'm guessing you haven't seen today's issue of Friday then?”

 

“No” he replied cautiously “What happened?”

 

She let out an exasperated sigh “Taguchi-kun, is there anything between you and Iwasa Mayuko-san?”

 

His heart froze for a moment before he answered tentatively “Define anything...”

 

She let out another of those sighs “You have two hours before you need to be in rehearsals...I suggest you come to my office as soon as physically possible.” and she hung up the phone.

 

He let the news sink in for a moment, they knew. Everybody knew, Ueda probably knew by now too.

 

He rushed to get ready, making it to his managers office in almost record time. Part of him wanted to stop and pick up a copy of the magazine, so that he knew exactly what was being said about him before he opened his mouth about it, but he could hardly read it while he was driving. Besides, his manager would probably give him just as hard a time whether he knew what was being said or not.

 

“What took you so long?” she snapped at him as he rushed inside the building, as he expected there were already paparazzi outside, shouting out questions and pleas for information, even at this hour of the morning.

 

He was ushered into her office and told to sit while she paced back and forth behind him, before finally moving to sit opposite him.

 

“So what exactly is going on between you two?” she asked, her tone unreadable.

 

For a moment he didn't know quite what to say, so he decided to stick to a tentative “What do they think is going on between us?”

 

He knew it wouldn't work, and the way her eyes narrowed told him that he was already pushing his luck.

 

“Taguchi-kun, do you have any idea how dangerous this little stunt could be for your career? Now I've had Iwaka Mayuko's management on the phone for the last half an hour trying to find out what exactly is going on, but I don't know any more than them right now, so you'd better start talking if you want my help with this...”

 

It was the tone of her voice more than her words that got to him, it was like one of those 'I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed talks' and he hated feeling like he'd let people down. “We've been sleeping together.”

 

The look on her face showed it was the last thing she wanted to hear, but she didn't respond, instead she slid the magazine across her desk to him. It was right there on the front page, bright red headlines about how he'd been seen sneaking from her hotel at ungodly hours of the morning on two separate occasions that week.

 

He flipped quickly to the right page, scanning the article, and taking a closer look at the pictures. They'd certainly done their work thoroughly, right there on the centre of the page was a zoomed in version of the picture on the cover, and then dotted all around it were photos of them climbing into taxi's together, his suit and Mayuko's cream dress easily identifiable. Photos from just two nights ago too, them climbing out of Taguchi's car and heading into the hotel, his arm around her, and then him in the same clothes, a reported two hours later, sneaking back out to his car.

 

There were other photos too, pictures of them smiling and laughing together on set, pictures from their kissing scenes, but he knew those were just taken out of context. The article seemed to be pretty accurate too though, whoever had written it had clearly followed them to the restaurant and back that first night, before waiting some four hours until he emerged alone. He was glad at least that they couldn't follow them inside, not that they really needed too, things looked bad enough as they were.

 

He finished reading it and closed the magazine, sliding it back across the table to his manager, who was now sat with her arms folded, a stony expression on her face. “Well?”

 

He swallowed hard and then nodded “Yeah...they got it pretty much right...the dates and times...it's all...that's what happened...”

 

She nodded, her teeth clenching a little tighter “And when you were in the hotel...”

 

“We were having sex...” he admitted.

 

She let out an exasperated sigh “How long has this been going on?”

 

“Just a week...that first time they reported, that's the first night we...”

 

She shook her head rather sorrowfully “Then you've been pretty unlucky, apart from the two occasions mentioned...is there anything else I should know?”

 

He didn't think it was exactly any of her business but he did need her help so he figured honesty was the best option “There was one other time, on a lunch break for filming, we went back to my apartment.”

 

Her eyes widened for a moment and then she looked down at the magazine again, almost as though she wanted to re-check it to confirm this new information. “Well, you were damn lucky they didn't follow you back there.”

 

He nodded, that thought had already occurred to him. “I'm sorry” he started slowly, feeling really quite guilty for all the hassle. “I didn't even think about all of this...”

 

She nodded, the closest to acceptance he was going to get he supposed, and then after another few minutes of silence the phone rang “Yeah, OK” his manager spoke down the receiver “No, put them through, we'll take it in here.”

 

'Them' turned out to be Mayuko's management, they'd finally gotten in touch with her too, and after she too admitted to their affair, their management began discussions of how to cover the whole mess up.

 

When Taguchi left for his rehearsals, they were still in negotiations. It had been decided they would deny everything and claim that Taguchi had been there late going over scripts. Of course that didn't sound too believable on it's own, and so they were currently on the phone to the hotel manager, trying to bribe him into confirming that Mayuko's manager was staying in the same room as Mayuko, and had been present in the hotel room with them on the nights in question.

 

He stopped by the cafeteria briefly for a strong cup of coffee, before finally heading up to KAT-TUN's dressing room. As he pushed the door open he was greeted with three pairs of enquiring eyes, and the magazine sat on the table between them gave him a hint as to what they were thinking.

 

“Weren't going to tell us about this one either?” Koki asked, his tone just a little bitter.

 

He'd kind of been expecting this, the guilt trip, but he'd worked up his resolve not to let them make him feel bad about it. Of course, confronted with their expressions, he felt only half as strong as he had done previously and in the end “I'm sorry” was all he could manage.

 

“It's true then...you're dating her?” It was Maru this time.

 

“Not exactly, but yes the article is true...” Silence hung in the air for a few moments and so Taguchi moved to put his bag down, getting ready for the rehearsal.

 

And then Kame spoke up “Does Tacchan know?”

 

He froze, turning to look at Kame, but before he even had chance to answer the door opened and Ueda stormed through it.

 

Ueda kept his back to them as much as possible, but Taguchi had noticed the red, puffy state of his eyes when he'd entered and it made his chest ache.

 

“Koki, Yucchi, why don't we get some coffee?” Kame started, getting up from the sofa, but Ueda's sharp tone stopped their movement.

 

“Don't bother, it's not like it's any of my business who he's fucking” he practically spat. But Maru who was the closest to him, walked over and placed a gentle hand on Ueda's shoulder.

 

“I know it hurts, but you need to talk about this, get it out in the open OK?” and after a gentle pat, he turned and walked out of the room, Kame and Koki hot on his heels.

 

“Uepi...” he started, but what was he meant to say...

 

“Don't, I really don't want to know...”

 

He could hear the thickness in Ueda's voice and he knew it threatened tears. “Uepi, please...I didn't want you to find out like this...”

 

Ueda turned to him finally “And how did you want me to find out?”

 

“I don't know...I didn't really want to tell anyone, I mean it's not a relationship or anything, I just...”

 

“What...it's just sex? Because that never turns into more, right?” Ueda snapped back.

 

“I swear it is...I care about her but, I don't feel that way about her...it's not the same...”

 

Ueda's eyes were boring into him, and for a moment they looked fierce, but then his whole frame seemed to sag.

 

“It doesn't really matter...” he said as he turned from Taguchi again.

 

“Uepi...” he started again, not sure how to fix the situation,

 

“I know things haven't exactly been great between us lately, but I thought you at least cared enough about me still, to warn me about something like this.” Ueda almost whispered, and then he turned, eyes swimming with fresh tears. “Just do me a favour OK? Can you try not to rub it in too much about her? My heart takes longer to mend than your obviously does.” and then without waiting for an answer he pushed past Taguchi and out of the room.


	15. May 17th 2013

Ueda had hoped that once the concerts started things would be easier, or that Taguchi would have less chance to meet up with that little whore of his at least. But of course he'd forgotten that Taguchi was still filming for his drama, and so they had plenty of time together. At least he never brought her to the rehearsals, at least Ueda didn't have to be in the same room with them together.

 

“Hey guys” Taguchi started tentatively as they prepared to go on stage. “I just wanted to let you know that Mayu-chan is coming tonight...to see the concert, I mean...and then maybe to come out for a meal with us after?”

 

Ueda's eyes narrowed but before he had chance to say anything, Maru piped up “Don't be a dick.”

 

“I wasn't trying to...just she likes us and she thought it would be nice...what was I supposed to say?”

 

“How about 'no'?” Koki retorted.

 

“Koki~” Taguchi whined, but Koki was shaking his head.

 

“Tell her it's like a group ritual or something and that she can come to the concert but going out afterwards isn't on...”

 

“Guys, it's just this one night...” he whined again, glancing around the room at them, his eyes settling on Ueda “How bad can it be?”

 

Ueda hadn't even noticed how tightly he'd been gripping the pen in his hand until it snapped, clattering in pieces onto the make-up counter. All eyes turned to him for a moment, and then back to Taguchi who had a slightly guilty look on his face.

 

“It's fine” Ueda almost whispered, his lips tight. “Let her come, it's fine.”

 

Taguchi's face lit up a little but Ueda flinched as he took a step closer, backing away.

 

“It's not fine.” Kame spoke up at last, his voice low and authoritative. “It's good that you're making new friends or whatever...and she seems like a nice enough girl but she's not welcome here.”

 

Taguchi's face darkened a little again and he muttered “Ass-holes” under his breath before grabbing his phone and leaving the room.

 

“Thank you” Ueda said quietly once the air settled again. But Kame just laughed and pulled him into a quick, light hug.

 

Taguchi reappeared just a few minutes before they were due on stage, he didn't say anything, but pulled them all into a big group hug before stepping back enough for them to form their circle.

 

“So Taguchi” Koki started once they'd reached the MC. “You're in a drama right?”

 

“That's right” Taguchi smiled back before launching into his shameless promotion.

 

“I've been watching it you know” Koki added onto it, and Taguchi looked mildly surprised as he answered

 

“You really watched it?”

 

It was just an act of course, it was the sixth show already and they'd talked about this at every one so far.

 

“I did...” Koki replied to a round of screams from the fans.

 

“I watched it too” Kame interjected, “Well a bit of it...I recorded it on my TV box, but I only saw a little so far...”

 

“What about Nakamaru?” Taguchi said, turning to him with a pout “Did you watch my drama?”

 

“Absolutely not!” Maru replied and the audience burst into laughter at the expression on Taguchi's face. “Watching Taguchi in a romance drama is disgusting, there are some things I don't need to see thank you...”

 

Ueda laughed along with the others, nodding and adding in little comments like “Exactly” or “Disgusting, right?” to have his input on the topic while not having to be directly asked.

 

It was a nice thing for Maru to do, taking the heat off of him that way, but he'd been surprised the first night when the conversation had gone that way since he knew for a fact that Maru had been watching the drama. When he'd confronted him about his lie though, Maru had just winked and informed him there were some things too embarrassing to admit to.

 

The show went well, as all the others had, but Ueda and Taguchi still kept their distance and tried to avoid physical contact as much as possible. When they did have to interact, Ueda felt as though it was forced and awkward, but he hoped that the audience wouldn't notice.

 

They were back in the dressing room after the show, each of them in different states of dressing and showering, when a quiet knock sounded on the frame of the open door.

 

They all turned their heads just at the same time, and timid voice said “You guys were awesome”, just as the heads turned back around to fix on Taguchi.

 

“Mayu-chan!” Taguchi grinned, though Ueda didn't miss the nervous way he swallowed. “Come in, I'll just be a few minutes OK?” and Mayuko nodded, coming to perch on the side of the sofa beside Kame as Taguchi gathered up his things. “Koki...could you take my bag back to the hotel?”

 

Koki raised an eyebrow, but nodded anyway. And then Taguchi picked up his beany, pulling it roughly onto his head before leading Mayuko from the room.

 

There was a stony silence for a few moments and then Kame spoke up “What a jerk. Did he just ditch us?”

 

“What an ass” Koki added, and Maru agreed.

 

But Ueda couldn't think of a way to put into words what his feelings were. He felt like his blood was boiling beneath his skin, but at the same time he felt cold, drained of all warmth the moment he saw her face.

 

“Let's just go...” Ueda snorted, grabbing his own hat and shoving it onto his head.

 

“Hey, let's go eat first...” Kame insisted “We've all used a lot of energy tonight, we need something nice and filling to give us it all back.”

 

“I'm not hungry” Ueda replied.

 

“I don't care...you're already skinny enough, you need some meat on your bones.” Maru butted in, and Ueda bit back a retort about Maru's own figure.

 

But with a sigh, he admitted defeat, there was no way he could argue his point against all of them.

 

He sat quietly as the others ate, just picking at his food, it wasn't that he wasn't hungry, rather that his throat felt thick with the emotions bubbling up inside him and he felt like he couldn't swallow.

 

Taguchi had actually gone with her. He'd abandoned his band-mates to go with her instead. Sure he got to see his band-mates almost every day, but while he was working on the drama he was with her almost constantly too, and now he'd had to choose, and he chose her.

 

He put down his chopsticks rather more angrily than he'd intended, and found three pairs of eyes looking at him concerned.

 

“What?” he snapped.

 

“Tacchan...” Kame started. But Ueda's challenging glare shut him up.

 

“It's OK for you to be upset...if I were in your shoes I know I would be...” Maru tried instead.

 

“And us too, I mean he always comes out to eat with us...this is like ritual...how can he just pretend it doesn't matter and go off with her instead? Isn't it kind of like betraying us?” Koki added.

 

Betrayal? Yeah that was it, that was how Ueda felt, he felt betrayed, rejected, crushed even. He'd thought he was the love of Taguchi's life and now he's lucky if Taguchi will even look at him, but he'll blow off his oldest friends to be with her.


	16. May 31st 2013

He couldn't believe it had already been a month, nothing had changed though, except that he needed Mayuko more now. He didn't care for her any more than he did, in all honesty he thought he cared less, he no longer even saw her as a friend, she was just somebody he could relieve the tension with. He'd never love her.

 

And yet there he was again, laying naked in her bed, fresh from a shower and waiting for her to finish showering too so that they can finally get it over with.

 

He hadn't even noticed he'd been playing with his ring, but as he looked down, there it was in his hand, his fingers running over the symbols on the front of it.

 

The heart for love. He still loved Ueda more than he could ever express, but he didn't even know if the other man knew. He'd been too cold, but it was the only way he could stop himself from giving in, from giving up everything he had just to see Ueda smile.

 

The hands for friendship. Did they even have that? Could you call someone a friend if you didn't speak to them unless it was necessary? If you didn't even let yourself acknowledge them?

 

The crown for loyalty. His stomach gave a sudden lurch, was he being disloyal? Did Ueda consider his relationship with Mayuko to be a betrayal of their love? He was aware that this relationship couldn't be easy on Ueda, but did he feel like he'd been rejected? Replaced?

 

He jumped a little as the door opened and Mayuko entered the room. “I'm sorry to keep you waiting” she said almost coyly as she slipped the towel from her body and climbed into the bed beside him.

 

He shook his head, placing the ring back on his finger “No, it's ok.” He forced a smile but his eyes strayed back to the ring, his thoughts focused only on Ueda.

 

“Did your ex give you that?” Mayuko asked suddenly, commanding his attention again, and when he turned to her she was looking at his ring too.

 

“Yeah...” he answered lamely.

 

“Why do you still wear it?” she asked next, her voice displaying nothing but curiosity.

 

“Because no matter what...” he answered cryptically “I want to be reminded of where I belong...”

 

There was a sad smile playing on Mayuko's lips “But you broke up with her...” Taguchi just nodded solemnly “Isn't there any chance at all for you to be together?”

 

He shook his head “If they found out...they'd never let us...”

 

Mayuko's face twisted a little in confusion “But if you went about it the right way? If you both went to Johnny together and explained everything, maybe he'd let you get married or something...there are other Johnny's who've got married...”

 

He shook his head again a little faster “It's not that easy...for the two of us...well if anyone found out there would be a scandal...and...it could get messy...”

 

“But then if the two of you have no chance...why are you torturing yourself like this? Why don't you at least try to move on...take off the ring...avoid seeing her...”

 

He cut in “We work together so...not seeing each other isn't an option...”

 

“Is she like management or something? Isn't she replaceable?” she pushed.

 

“Definitely not replaceable.” he replied, head hanging a little.

 

“Then if there's really, absolutely no chance for the two of you...then maybe it's time to start moving on?” and she leaned towards him, taking his hands slowly in hers and sliding the ring from his finger.

 

He watched as she slid it all the way off, placing it on the table beside her bed before turning her attention to him, gripping his chin and turning his head enough to reach his lips with her own. “But...” he started, only to have his words cut off by Mayuko's tongue pressing past his lips and swirling against his own.

 

“Let me help you move on” she whispered against his mouth, and then she swung her leg over his, shuffling down his body until she was laying flush against him.

 

It didn't feel right, the kiss not hard enough, not enough passion in it, just soft tongues swirling together and no teeth, no heat. Her body too, it wasn't right, her skin was as soft as Ueda's but she lacked the strength, the powerful muscles as Taguchi slid his hands down her sides.

 

He moved quickly past her hips, avoiding her ass, not wanting to feel what he craved the most when he knew it wasn't right, not the right person, so he continued down, searching for something familiar.

 

He'd never imagined that something as inconsequential as leg hair would bother him, he'd never spent much thought on the differences between Ueda's body and a woman's, but feeling the smooth expanse of Mayuko's legs made him realise just how much he missed the roughness of Ueda's.

 

“Are you ok?” Mayuko asked gently, pulling back enough to look into his face, and it was only then that he realised how ragged and desperate his breathing sounded.

 

“I...I don't...” he mumbled, trying to find the right way to tell her that he needed something different, someone different.

 

“Ssshh” she whispered, placing gentle pecks against his mouth “Just relax, stop thinking and just feel...”

 

He let out a long breath, calming himself, and then opened his mouth to her kisses, it was still wrong, but he couldn't have Ueda, and he needed something.

 

Mayuko started slowly rocking her body against his, her legs either side of him pushing her up a little, rocking harder until he could feel the moisture between her legs against his cock.

 

He knew what she was trying to do, but he wasn't hard enough, not yet and he slid his fingers there instead to distract her as he tried to arouse himself.

 

A year ago he would have loved it, the slick feeling under his fingers, the evidence of how much she wanted him, but now it wasn't what he was used to, and as he pushed his fingers inside of her he felt a little sick.

 

Her body accepted him far too easily, he missed the resistance, the feeling of his fingers working to stretch tight muscle, the velvety soft walls pressing back against him, constricting against his fingers.

 

Thankfully, however much he disliked his actions, Mayuko seemed to be enjoying it, leaning her head down close to his ear and moaning softly, whimpering and almost pleading. The voice was all wrong, but the noises were good enough, and he clung to the sound as he thought of more arousing images, Ueda splayed out beneath him, whimpering, begging to be penetrated, his face contorted with pleasure while his eyes were alight with desire.

 

Taguchi could feel himself hardening, and he rocked up against the body above him, the visions behind his clenched eyes almost fooling him into believing that it was the body he desired, the firm muscles tensing and flexing with his movements.

 

When he could feel he was hard enough he wasted no time in rolling Mayuko off of him, turning her onto her stomach and, a little rougher than necessary, pulling her hips up until her knees took her weight.

 

He hadn't taken her like this before, but if she had any protest she wasn't voicing it, and with the images running around inside his head being of someone else, he didn't want to risk her looking at his face. Like that it was easy to pretend anyway, to pretend it wasn't her, not having to see her face, the wrong face looking back at him.

 

Usually he tried with everything he had not to think of Ueda, but at that moment in time, he wanted the other man so desperately, to feel the safety of his embrace, that he allowed himself to be weak. Just for that one night, and then he would put the ring away and try to move on.

 

She let out a high-pitched moan as he pushed into her, pretending that it was tighter, that there was more resistance, that it was Ueda chanting his name.

 

He closed his eyes tighter, thrusting his hips harder as he conjured up memories, real ones that he hadn't allowed himself to think of in so long, memories of waterfalls, of Ueda's face, his eyes drinking in Taguchi's, the emotion inside them.

 

He thought of sunsets, Ueda's submission, the feelings as they moved together perfectly, slowly, knowing. Knowing it was more than sex, more than being together, feeling it deep inside, so strong it broke them apart.

 

Ueda's face as they made love, his gentle touches as he slid inside, all lips and feathery fingertips, words whispering across his skin in broken pleas. His own silent sobs as he tried desperately to tell Ueda what the other already knew. He could hear his own shaky voice “I love you Tatsuya” and then the image behind his eyelids burst into white, his orgasm surprising him, rocking his body erratically, until his eyes slid open and he remembered where he was.

 

He was panting hard, sweat dripping from his hair and his muscles aching from the physical movements he could barely remember.

 

When he slipped from Mayuko's body she turned to face him, her eyes wide with surprise, but he couldn't bear to hear what it was that had surprised her and so he jumped from the bed and rushed into the bathroom to shower.

 

When he returned she was laying in bed, her face still flushed but sated, his ring turning delicately between her fingers.

 

“Would you like me to order some food?” She asked lightly, any trace of surprise or ill-will gone from her voice, and with a smile she sat up and handed the ring to him “It's really pretty.”

 

He took the ring from her and held onto it tightly as he gathered his clothes, throwing them on haphazardly. “I'd better go, we leave for Hiroshima early tomorrow.”


	17. June 14th 2013

He kept his head down as he walked into the meeting room. They had a one hour meeting before the mini-bus picked them up to take them to the airport, where they would fly out for their concerts in Hokkaido.

 

“We'll be using the same hotel as last year” their manager announced. “After the mix up last year they've kindly offered us a discounted price on all of your rooms and to provide access to all of the hotel's facilities at no extra charge.”

 

Great, Ueda thought. That's exactly what he needed right now, to be back in that hotel, to walk past the same paintings, to drink in the same bar, who knows, to walk past that very same room where everything started for them.

 

He was pretty sure there was a gym at least, maybe if they had punching bags he could distract himself by hitting things in his free time.

 

There were nods all around the room but nobody commented, and so their manager handed out the concert revisions for them to discuss.

 

It took less time than it should, not one of them really in their usual constructive moods, and Ueda had a fair idea why though none of them brought it up to him until they arrived at the hotel itself.

 

“Are you going to be ok?” A voice asked quietly beside him, Koki's. “We can do some muscle training together while we're here, or there's a pool too, we could hang out and exercise and stuff around the concerts?”

 

He nodded “Thanks, yeah” but he was feeling a little less enthusiastic about it by the time they got inside and were given their room allocations. They had most of the top floor to themselves even with most of the juniors sharing room again, but somehow Ueda knew it would turn out the way it did, and biting back a sigh he took the room card and followed the others up to put away their things.

 

Taguchi was the only other member to give any kind of reaction as he walked along the corridor and stopped in front of his door, but of course this room held no significance to any of them. Last year this had been Taguchi's room.

 

His hands were sweaty as he opened the door and he took a deep breath as he entered, but when he looked around it was just a room, a typical hotel room, probably exactly the same as all the others. He didn't know what he'd expected exactly, it had been over a year since he'd been in this room, hundreds of people had probably used it since, so he didn't know why he expected it to hold any memories of his last visit. What confused him more though was why it hurt him so badly that it didn't.

 

He left his suitcase in the middle of the room and walked over to the bed, sinking down onto it and running his palm softly over the sheets as though he expected to still feel the warmth of their bodies against them, but there was nothing. He felt so empty that he wanted to cry.

 

He couldn't say how long he sat there, staring unseeing at the white expanse of the bed, but in time, a gentle knock came at his door. His heart leapt in his chest and his pulse ran a little too fast as he darted to the door.

 

But the hope drained from his limbs when he opened the door to find Kame standing there “We're all ready to go when you are.” Kame muttered quietly and then he called back “We'll be waiting in the lobby” as he made his way down the corridor.

 

Ueda closed the door, and leant against it for a few minutes, taking deep breaths to calm him as tears prickled behind his eyes, but he knew there was no time for a break-down now, and so he rushed into his en-suite bathroom and washed his face before heading down to meet the others.

 

Thankfully, the busy schedule they had of running through the rehearsal, and learning the revisions, then grabbing a quick bite to eat from the catering staff before the concert, kept his mind and body both busy enough to keep him distracted. They went out to eat after the show too, but then as they returned to the hotel each of the others bade their goodnights with tired yawns, and too soon Ueda found himself back in the empty room again.

 

He tried to push all thoughts from his mind as he readied for bed and climbed under the covers, but as he lay awake, the memories came back. First the memories of this hotel, the first night they'd shared in the double room, and then the night in this one, the way he'd felt a little grossed out as he'd pushed his fingers inside Taguchi for the first time.

 

He felt stirrings in his abdomen, heat and blood rushing down, and he bolted upright in bed. He really did not need those kinds of feelings confusing him any more right now.

 

He got up from the bed, dragging on a pair of sweatpants and he stuffed his key into his pocket before rushing from the room. He didn't know exactly where he was planning on going he just chose a direction and ran with it, up a small set of stairs and out onto some kind of garden-like balcony.

 

There were a couple of seats, and small table too with a number of ashtrays on, and that's when he understood, it was somewhere for the hotel customers to go out and smoke. At least he had it to himself for the moment so the air was pretty clear, and so he wandered over to the railing, looking out over the city as he took long, slow breaths to calm himself.

 

It was working, and his body was relaxing just enough to feel the night's chill, when he heard the door open behind him and as he turned, his heart froze.

 

“Having trouble sleeping?” Taguchi asked, his voice a mixture of humour and bitterness, but Ueda's retort was lost as arms closed around him, lingering just a little too long as they wrapped a blanket around him. “Are you still not talking to me?”

 

“Since when wasn't I talking to you?” he asked, and Taguchi's arms finally fell from around him as the taller man moved to stand beside him.

 

“I don't know...I guess things have just been too weird between us to tell if you're talking to me or not.”

 

Ueda thought for a moment and then shrugged “It doesn't really make a difference either way, right?”

 

Taguchi let out a long sigh “How did it get to this?” and Ueda couldn't help the bitter snort of laughter he let out.

 

“You know how it got to this...”

 

There was silence again for a while and Ueda shuddered, pulling the blanket closer around him.

 

When Taguchi spoke again his voice was low and quiet. “I didn't want things to turn out like this...I miss you Tatsuya...” His breath caught in his throat, and suddenly the air was too thick to breathe. “And it's not just...it's not even that. I just want...” but Taguchi didn't even seem to be able to finish, his sentence ending with just heavy breathing and Ueda knew he was trying not to cry.

 

Just knowing it brought tears to his own eyes, and he automatically reached to his chest to clutch the ring that was hanging from a chain there, the ring Taguchi had given him, and that he couldn't let go of no matter how hard he tried.

 

It had felt like the world was crashing down on him that first day Taguchi came to work, his fingers free of jewellery, and his first instinct had been to run away and hide, but he'd kept it inside until their lunch break, until he couldn't hold it any more and he'd rushed to the rest room to break down. He'd been so hurt and angry that he wanted nothing more than to rip his own ring from his finger and throw it as hard as he could from the window, but even in his desperation he'd known how much he would regret that, and so instead he'd hidden it in his pocket for the rest of the day and then attached it to a long chain to wear around his neck.

 

He clutched at it tightly as he inhaled the harsh night air, but it caught him off guard when Taguchi took hold of his shoulder and spun him round to face him. Eyes travelled down his chest, landing on the hand clenched around his ring just as Taguchi's hand came up to peel his hand away from it.

 

When Taguchi saw it, he gave out a sound somewhere between a gasp and sob, and the tears finally overflowed. “Baby, I'm so sorry...” but his voice caught again as he captured the ring in his own hand, squeezing it as though it would give him strength, the way Ueda did.

 

He looked back up to Taguchi's face, almost distraught looking, and when their eyes met he let them linger only long enough to notice Taguchi begin to lean in.

 

“Don't” he said sharply, placing his own hand on Taguchi's chest to push him away gently as he leaned away himself.

 

Taguchi's expression was desperate “Tatsuya, I can't take it any more...” and Ueda remained still as he leant in closer again, not rejecting him as the taller man placed gentle kisses across his face, one hand coming up to cup his cheek. “I need you...”

 

With the other hand Taguchi took hold of Ueda's waist, pulling him closer until their bodies connected, and Ueda's senses came back to him.

 

“Stop” Ueda breathed out harshly “Stop it Taguchi, let me go.”

 

Taguchi's face fell and scrunched up as though the statement had caused him physical pain “Baby...”

 

“You know what your problem is?” he muttered as he pushed Taguchi away “You're selfish.”

 

It clearly wasn't what Taguchi had been expecting. “I'm selfish?”

 

“Yes, you've barely spoken to me in months and now here you are, all soft words and gentle kisses, expecting me to do who knows what, because you're sad and you 'need me'. Well what about what I need? I don't need you confusing me like this, using me whenever the mood takes you...do you even have any idea how that makes me feel?”

 

“But...” Taguchi started, but Ueda cut him off.

 

“Or what about that poor girl you're fucking while you prance around boasting about how much you don't care about her? Have you bothered to stop and consider how she feels when you're using her to get whatever you need...”

 

The hurt on Taguchi's face was beginning to turn to anger “You're one to talk...” he started as he took a step back “This whole thing is your fault anyway...if you hadn't used me that night then nothing would have even started and both of us would probably be happy now!”

 

“My fault?” Ueda almost snarled back “I'll admit it was my fault the first time, but after that I said I didn't want to do it any more...you were the one that convinced me it would be ok...you're the one that kept things going.”

 

“Yeah, cause you took much convincing...it's not like I forced you to do anything...I didn't pin you down and force your cock...”

 

His sentence was cut off by a quiet cough behind them, and they both turned to see Kame by the door, his cigarettes held up in explanation.

 

Ueda turned and stormed his way past Kame, turning just in time to see Kame stopping Taguchi from doing the same. And then he felt a sharp pang of jealousy as Taguchi burst into tears and was pulled into Kame's arms.

 

He turned away, refusing to let his heart feel for Taguchi right now, how dare that idiot act like he still cares about him.

 

Instead he returned to his room alone, where he allowed himself to finally give in, and tears rolled down his cheeks as he traced his fingertips over the tingling spots of skin that Taguchi's lips had touched.


	18. June 21st 2013

He hadn't even spoken to Taguchi directly since their confrontation at the hotel a week ago, but with the end of the tour only five days away he figured so long as he can last through these, a little time off would be enough to calm his emotions.

 

His plan to avoid Taguchi as much as possible was foiled, however, that morning as he entered the meeting room for their imminent interview and photoshoot.

 

“The theme for today is the seven deadly sins” the director announced “First we'll have individual comments on each of the sins in interview style, followed by a short cross-talk, then we'll send you into make-up where each of you will be transformed to represent one of the sins and then photoshoots will be based around those ideas.”

 

Ueda sighed at how cliché it was, but he went along with it anyway, answering as enthusiastically as he could and trying to involve himself at least a little in the cross-talk. It was easy enough, it was his job after-all, but what he hadn't been prepared for was the photoshoot.

 

“Ok, Kamenashi-san, Nakamaru-san and Tanaka-san, if you'll head over to studio A, we'll have you as pride, greed and wrath. Taguchi-san and Ueda-san, in studio B and you'll be envy and lust.”

 

He suppressed his groan at having to work alone in the studio with Taguchi, but he was relieved at least that they were solo shoots, and that they wouldn't be expected to be draping themselves all over each other.

 

He was relieved until he saw the costumes that is. His consisted of low slung, black leather pants, with a practically see-through black vest, black leather fingerless gloves, black boots all with red highlights, and then whole lot of chains. He spent longer than usual in make up too as they paled his face and gave him thick dark lines around his eyes, with red accents, and then set his hair to look wild, complete with black and red feathers.

 

It was down-right embarrassing. At 29 years old he thought he'd out-grown the sexy gothic image, but still, it wouldn't have been quite so bad if not for the look in Taguchi's eyes.

 

He tried his best not to look over at him, as he lay on the bed covered in red silk sheets, writhing around at the director's instructions of “More passion in your face, think of the sexiest thing you can” or “Try wrapping some of the chain around your arms and look submissive.”

 

He could feel his cheeks burning under the layers of make-up, and he spared only a quick glance at Taguchi in his black and green, shiny suit, with his serpentine eyes, as he rushed from the set, not wanting to stick around and see Taguchi's reaction to the director's comment of “Imagine you're looking at something you really, really want, but you can't have.”

 

It took longer than he'd have liked back in make-up, removing the feathers and his layers of eye-liner, so as he made his way back to their dressing room, Taguchi wasn't far behind, storming after him with a look that left no room for argument as he pushed Ueda into the nearest wall.

 

His lips were captured so quickly that he didn't even have time to think, and by the time he could, his body was already over-ruling his sense.

 

“Junno” he gasped his mind-screaming at him to stop even as his hands clutched at Taguchi's back, clinging onto him and pulling him closer as their bodies met, hard with arousal.

 

“Ssshh” Taguchi whispered back across his lips, one hand moving up to hold Ueda's face, pushing his head back to delve deeper into his mouth as the other crammed itself between them, making quick work of buttons and zips, hastily pushing down clothing until they were flesh to flesh.

 

Taguchi swallowed Ueda's harsh cry as he was pushed harder into the wall, hips grinding harder against his, hot flesh, slick with precome, setting off sparks through his entire body as it slid against his own, mounting pleasure.

 

“Come with me” Taguchi groaned, his mouth finding Ueda's shoulder and biting down hard as his body jerked, his cock twitching and pulsing against Ueda's, and the feeling of hot liquid covering his own cock was enough to set him off, almost screaming as his head fell back and release washed through him.

 

He was still clinging to Taguchi's back when he came down, both their breathing ragged and harsh, but he had no time to form an appropriate reaction before he caught sight of his best friend walking through the door.

 

“Yuichi” he gasped, unsure if he should be pushing Taguchi away or, gripping to him, to hide their activities. But he didn't have to make the choice as Taguchi unceremoniously pulled up his own trousers and gave Ueda a quick peck on the forehead before mumbling something about the bathroom, and stumbling off towards the toilet.

 

For a moment, Ueda was frozen, but then he realised his state of undress and hastily pulled his trousers up, trying to avoid the sticky mess as he rushed to his bag searching for tissues.

 

He was about to give up and just fasten his trousers, bearing the uncomfortable fluid, when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and looking round he saw Maru holding out a packet of tissues.

 

“Thank you” he mumbled as he took them, taking out a couple to wipe the stickiness from his body, and then he wandered over to throw them in the bin. When he turned again, Maru was standing with a pack of anti-bacterial wipes in his hand, and he offered one to Ueda.

 

That's when it hit him just what had happened, and how nice Maru was being about what he'd walked in on. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, but Maru just gave a wry, half-smile. “I'm going to hug you, but you need to clean your hands and fasten your pants first, ok?”

 

He couldn't help a slight laugh as he nodded, taking a wipe even as the tears started rolling down his cheeks. As promised, when he threw away the wipe and fastened his trousers, Nakamaru was waiting with open arms for him to fall into.

 

“Go down to your car ok? I'll grab our stuff and meet you down there, then you're going to come over to my place and we'll talk about this.”

 

Ueda could do nothing but nod, and with a quick glance to the toilet door, he left the room.


	19. June 21st 2013

“So what was that all about?” Maru asked as he brought two steaming hot cups of tea over to his coffee table. Ueda, curled up defensively on the sofa, clutching a cushion to his chest could only shake his head. “It's not the first time though is it? Something happened on Valentine's Day too, right?”

 

He looked up, only half surprised and nodded. “That wasn't the first time either...” Maru's eyebrows raised but he didn't respond “There was Christmas and his birthday too...”

 

Maru inhaled deeply, as though taking all the information in. “But you're not together, right? The way you've been acting around each other...”

 

Ueda shook his head slowly, “No...that's all real...”

 

There was silence for a little while as Maru attempted to sip his tea, which was still far too hot. Giving up, he put the cup back down with a sigh, and muttered “I just don't understand”

 

Ueda waited for a few moments, just to check Maru was really addressing him and not the cup in front of him, but when he turned to face him, pity on his face, Ueda shook his head again “I don't either...”

 

“It can't feel good though, well I mean technically...obviously it does, but I mean, it must hurt afterwards...”

 

Ueda nodded “Yeah...I just don't know what to do about it...I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just can't stop loving him...and I can't stop wanting him”

 

“But the way he's been treating you...and he's with that girl too...” Maru pushed, a confused expression on his face.

 

“I know...and part of me hates him for it...but I love him more...”

 

Maru shook his head and glanced off to the side for a moment. “And you still want to be with him...?”

 

“I can't...I know that” Ueda responded sadly “And I want to be his friend again, and to forget all of the other things I feel about him...but I don't know how when being around him is killing me...”

 

Maru looked at him thoughtfully, a little bit of pity sneaking in again as Ueda felt tears prickling behind his eyes again “I think the first thing is that the two of you need to figure out exactly where you stand with each other.”

 

He could feel the tears tipping over “I know...I just...it's hard, talking to him right now...”

 

“If it would be easier I could come with you...I mean I know now that stuff has been happening...you wouldn't have to hide anything from me...”

 

He couldn't help a small smile “Thank you, I really appreciate how nice you're being about everything...but I really think it'd be better if I just went on my own...”

 

Maru nodded “That's ok, as long as you're up to it...don't let your feelings for him get you into any more trouble, just talk it out, be firm about what it is you need from him.”

 

“Yeah, thanks.” And he leant over to give Maru a quick hug, only to be pulled tighter by the other man. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you before...it's not that I don't trust you...”

 

“Don't even worry about it” Maru cut him off “You just get yourself sorted out and then we can talk about it properly ok?”

 

Ueda nodded, taking a deep breath, and wiping his face quickly with the tissue Maru thoughtfully held out to him. “Ok, I'm going to go now...before I have chance to chicken out.”

 

On the way over to Taguchi's place he built up his resolve, sorting haphazardly through his feelings for the other man, and trying to figure what exactly he was going to say. Any plans he had flew out the window though as he knocked at Taguchi's door and the other man answered, his hair dripping wet, and droplets running down his chest, covered only by a towel wrapped around his waist.

 

“We need to talk” he said, the words sounding stronger than he felt.

 

“Sorry, now isn't a good time for me...” Taguchi replied, almost nonchalantly.

 

His temper flared “What? How dare you...after what just happened...you owe me an explanation.”

 

“You're the one that ran away.” Taguchi countered. And then when he took a step closer to enter Taguchi's apartment, Taguchi blocked his path with his arm. “I told you I can't talk right now.”

 

Ueda felt his temper flare more and he pushed his way passed, not even pausing to take off his shoes as he stormed straight into the living room and turned to face Taguchi. Whatever retort he was about to throw at the other man was lost however when a light, giggly voice floated along the hallway.

 

“Guchi...have you seen my pant...” but the girls voice broke off as she ground to a halt, staring back and forth between Taguchi and Ueda. For a moment the only sound was the quiet drip of water from her long, dark hair onto the floor, and then blushing, she wrapped her towel tighter around her body “I'm so sorry, I didn't realise...” but she'd retreated back down the hallway before Ueda heard what she hadn't realised.

 

Not that he would have been listening anyway, he was too busy trying to fight down the urge to scream, or cry or hit something. Instead of doing any of them he clenched his fists tightly, ignoring the way his whole body was shaking, as he stomped back towards the door.

 

Back in the hallway outside Taguchi's door he turned to the other man, but he couldn't even seem to form words. Instead he reached into his pocket for his keys, all but breaking Taguchi's off of the keychain, and as hard as he could, he threw them at Taguchi. He could tell it hurt Taguchi as they hit him square in the chest, but other than flinching he made no other reaction than to tighten his lips.

 

“You may as well give those to your little whore.” Ueda finally managed to spit. But again Taguchi didn't react, instead he let out a rough sigh and reached for his own set of keys hanging by the door. He unclipped Ueda's keys from the keyring and threw them to the floor beside Ueda's feet before slamming the door shut.

 

Ueda resisted the urge to punch Taguchi's door and instead swooped to pick up his keys and fled the building.

 

The run down the stairs did nothing for his anger, it just made him even more short of breath and agitated, and the final straw came when he fumbled with his keys to unlock the car door, only to drop them onto the floor.

 

His fists clenched automatically, and it was only a split second decision that saved his car from receiving the full force of his anger. He almost regretted the decision a moment later though when his fist collided with the concrete wall and he felt at least a few layers of skin scraped away.

 

But if anything, he felt the pain only helped, and so he drew back again and again, hitting the wall with both fists until his anger left him.

 

Only then did the pain catch up to him and he cried out once as he slumped down to the floor, watching as the blood dripped down his fingers onto the tarmac, tears rolling from his cheeks in sobs to join it.

 

He was vaguely aware that he shouldn't be here, that he was still outside Taguchi's building, crumpled pitifully onto the floor while Taguchi was too busy up there, probably fucking that slut, to even hear his desperate cries.

 

He dragged himself up and picked up his keys, much more calmly slotting the key into the lock, and opening his car door. He climbed into it, just sitting for a few moments, trying to pull himself together, before he reached into his glove-box for the spare bandages he kept in there for boxing. He wrapped his knuckles roughly and then switched on his engine, before setting out driving.

 

For a while he drove in circles, not sure exactly where to go, he didn't want to go home and be on his own, but he didn't want to go back to Maru's after their talk earlier that day. He drove a little further, and then finally the thought hit him, there was only one person that could help him, just one other person he knew of that had been through this before. Kame.


	20. June 21st 2013

“What happened?” Kame asked as he opened the door.

 

“I need help” was all he could say in response.

 

“I'll say” Kame replied, pulling him in for a quick hug “Let me look at your hands and then you explain everything ok?”

 

Ueda just nodded and allowed Kame to lead him over to the sofa where he was pushed down and told to stay. He took the opportunity then to inspect his hands, even with the thick bandages wrapped around them, blood was seeping through. He gave a soft sigh and then Kame was back, a bowl of water and a cloth in one hand and a first aid kit in the other.

 

He closed his eyes, clenching his teeth together as Kame unwound the bandages and dropped them onto the floor beside the sofa, before taking Ueda's hands and placing them over the bowl. He then took the cloth and began gently wiping at the blood.

 

Thankfully once the blood was cleared away, his knuckles didn't look quite so bad, and after flexing them a little, it didn't feel like anything was broken, and so he sat patiently as Kame went through the motions of applying antiseptic lotion and wrapping them in fresh bandages. He then cleared everything away and made a cup of tea before settling down on the sofa and finally turning to Ueda.

 

“So how did this happen?”

 

“Brick wall...” Ueda answered vaguely and Kame sighed.

 

“Look, you said you wanted my help right? So you've got to let me in a little.”

 

Ueda took a deep breath and thought for a few moments before finally turning to Kame. “It's about Taguchi...”

 

Kame nodded seriously “I figured as much...”

 

“I've been trying to move on...I really have, but he's always there, and he's...since we broke up, we've done...stuff, and it's confusing, and it hurts, and I just want it to not hurt anymore...” he paused for a breath, looking at Kame imploringly “I want to get over him, but I don't know how...” Kame nodded thoughtfully but when he didn't answer Ueda continued “Kame...you loved Jin right? How did you get over him?”

 

Kame's face twisted into something of a half-smile but there was something bitter about it. “I didn't.”

 

Ueda's jaw dropped “But...” he started.

 

And then Kame's smile turn a little lighter. “I didn't need too. He changed. The person that came back from America wasn't the same one I fell in love with.” he paused to take a sip of his tea “I'm sure that if he hadn't changed, I'd still be in love with him now, and maybe part of me still is in love with the person he was...but that's not who he is now, and I don't feel anything for the person he is now.”

 

Ueda nodded slowly, trying to understand, and then after briefly thinking over Taguchi's recent behaviour he turned back to Kame. “I think Taguchi has changed too.”

 

But Kame shook his head “He hasn't...”

 

Ueda looked at him almost dumb-founded “How can you say that...he's been a real jerk recently...”

 

“He has” Kame agreed “But not because he is a jerk...I think it's just that he doesn't know how to cope with his feelings. You know Taguchi, he's always been the type to keep smiling and not let things get to him...but this...the way he feels about you...he can't ignore it, and he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't mean to hurt you, or anyone else, he's just desperately trying to move on...”

 

“He has moved on...he's with...her” Ueda countered.

 

“You think he's with her because he's moved on? Tacchan, he's with her because he can't move on...”

 

Ueda stopped to think for a moment, considering Kame's words, but the memory of Taguchi's cold expression as he'd stood in his apartment between the two of them made him think differently. “An hour ago he was humping me into a wall and now he's shut up in his apartment, showering with her or something, and he couldn't even spare me a few minutes to talk...I think he's dealing with things a lot better than me...”

 

Kame shook his head, if he had any thoughts on their activities he didn't voice them, instead he just sighed “He's not, he's lost and confused, I tried talking to him that night in Hokkaido, but he just shut down. You're both a mess.”

 

Ueda pouted “Then what are we supposed to do?”

 

“You love him right?”

 

“Of course.” Ueda replied.

 

“How much? Do you love him more than anything else in the world?”

 

Ueda's face scrunched a little in confusion “Yeah...”

 

“Really? More than _anything?_ ”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then you should be with him.”

 

Ueda's jaw dropped again “What?”

 

“You heard me...things clearly aren't working with the two of you trying to stay away from each other, so why bother? Why don't you just get back together and just be happy?”

 

He didn't know what to say, a million feelings were running through him, happiness, relief, excitement...confusion, fear. “But what about the group?”

 

Kame's face lifted up in a smirk “I'm only going to say this once, so listen closely...screw the group.”

 

“But...but” Ueda stammered “What about the fans, and our careers?”

 

“Well firstly, sure the fans will be a little disappointed but if they're really our fans then they won't turn on us just because the group isn't around any more...and secondly, I think we have enough of a name for ourselves now that even without the group we'll be able to find work. Also you're forgetting that this stuff is only a concern if you guys get found out...and if that's the case, you and Taguchi would be the ones that would be punished for it. But if he's really more important to you than anything else in world, then that shouldn’t matter right?”

 

He didn't know what to say, but somehow it didn't seem as easy as Kame was making it sound. “What about Maru and Koki, what will they think?”

 

“I'm sure they wouldn't begrudge either of you the happiness you deserve...Tacchan, the group is really important to all of us, but you guys are our friends, and that's way more important.”

 

“Kame...I don't know what to say...”

 

But Kame just smiled “You don't need to say anything to me...I can only tell you what I think...what you do about it is up to you...”

 

Ueda pondered it for a moment. “I don't know...things with Taguchi are a little tense right now...I don't know if he'd even want to get back with me...”

 

“I can't answer that for you, only the two of you can figure out if that's what you want...if it's worth it to you.”

 

“I'll think about it...thank you though Kame, you really did help me...”

 

“Good” Kame smiled, “Now go home, I have work this evening.”

 

With the thought in mind, Ueda left, returning to his apartment alone to consider whether he and Taguchi really could make another go of things, and whether Taguchi would agree.


	21. June 22nd 2013

He spent most of the night laying awake, thinking about Kame's words, considering if it might be possible, if he had any chance of being happy, with Taguchi.

 

But things weren't quite as simple as Kame had made it seem, no matter how he tried to convince himself.

 

Firstly, Taguchi had a girlfriend now, he'd claimed he had no feelings for her, but Ueda thought there must have been something to it if Taguchi automatically ran to her after the little incident at the photoshoot. What if Taguchi did have feelings for her and wanted to give things a go with her for real? What if he didn't have feelings for her but he still found being with her preferable to being with him? After all, there'd been nothing but trouble between them for the past few months, why should he even consider getting back together with Ueda?

 

Things would probably be better for Taguchi in the long run if he stayed with her anyway, if things got serious then eventually they would be able to go public, to announce their relationship to the world, maybe even get married, have children. Why should Taguchi choose this complicated, secret, half-life with Ueda over that.

 

What if Mayuko had nothing to do with anything? What if Taguchi didn't want to be with him regardless of what happened with her, what if too much bad blood existed between them now, all the fights and the harsh words, what if they'd lost the purity of their love? Would Taguchi even think it was worth fighting for?

 

And what if none of it mattered? What if their original arguments still stood. The whole reason they'd forced themselves to be apart was for the sake of the group, and even if they did have the blessing of the other members to give things a go, what if Taguchi didn't think it was worth it? Ueda was confident that he would risk everything for Taguchi, but what if the other man just didn't feel as strongly?

 

Things were definitely complicated.

 

But then again, he thought, they always had been. Even before they admitted that they had feelings for each other, they went out of their way to keep their relationship together, and they'd had some really good times together. Maybe, he hoped, now that they knew their relationship had so much more potential, maybe it would be worth fighting harder for.

 

He had work early that morning. It was the last day for going over revisions to the concert schedule before the four straight days at Tokyo Dome. There were a few extra dance segments this time around, and though they had been taught them before the tour even started, they needed at least a few hours of running through things again to make sure they were all certain what they were doing.

 

It was with a half-hopeful state of mind that he entered the dance studio, determined not to make things any worse between him and Taguchi, in the hope that, if time permitted, they could sneak away for a little while to discuss what Kame had said to him.

 

All of that hope was lost however, when Taguchi entered the studio just a few minutes after him, scowling and with dark eyes and puffy skin. He didn't even spare Ueda a glance as he stormed to the opposite side of the studio and threw down his things before waiting silently, tapping away on his phone, until the choreographer arrived.

 

The dance practice that followed was one of the worst Ueda had ever endured through. Taguchi had always loved dancing, and he could never stay grumpy for long while doing it, but today the dark cloud was omnipresent above his head, and instead of laughing and telling everyone to try again when they messed up the steps, everyone got glares.

 

Of course Ueda's concern over Taguchi's mood only served as a distraction, and Ueda was clumsy enough without distraction, so with it, he seemed to be doing a better job of pissing Taguchi off than he was of dancing.

 

“Are you even trying?” Taguchi snapped, as Ueda tumbled to the floor for the third time in about half an hour. “Watch where you're putting your feet!”

 

“Of course I'm trying” Ueda snapped back “Maybe if you'd stop putting me off...”

 

“I'm putting you off? You thinks it's easy for the rest of us having to start over every two minutes because you can't keep up?”

 

“Well if I'm dragging you down so much maybe you just just pratice without me!”

 

“Both of you calm down...” Maru interjected, but his voice was barely heard over Taguchi's next rebuttal.

 

“Yeah that would work, the only one who actually needs the practice sitting it out...”

 

“What the fuck do you want from me? You complain if I try and practice, you complain if I say I won't...what can I do to make you happy? What do you fucking want?!”

 

He knew he should be embarrassed, shouting and screaming like a child, it was unprofessional, and in front of the choreographer too. But if he thought he was taking things too far, it was nothing to Taguchi's behaviour when the taller man grabbed him by the collar and pushed him back, immediately advancing on him again.

 

Ueda clenched his eyes closed, waiting for a punch, or another shove, something, but when none came, he slowly opened his eyes, finding Taguchi's, looking desperately into his. “You know what I want. This isn't working...I can't take being around you any more.”

 

It felt like a kick in the gut but he couldn't even find thought enough to react, his eyes just remained locked, frozen on Taguchi's that stared daggers back at him. He was vaguely aware of another voice, one of the other members, or the choreographer maybe, but he couldn't take it in, he couldn't concentrate on anything but the eyes looking right at him.

 

There was a soft hand on his shoulder, but he just shook it off, the movement finally waking him from his trance. “Then maybe we shouldn't work together any more.” he finally replied, his voice quieter and colder than he'd expected, and then he tore his eyes away and fled the room.

 

He rushed through through the corridors, his mind buzzing with everything, with thoughts of their argument, with thoughts of Kame's words, and with everything he'd considered the night before. He was angry and confused, and desperate, and he knew that he needed to do something, anything, to stop the downward spiral of their relationship. He just wanted Taguchi the way they used to be.

 

He found himself in the administration offices before he even knew where his feet were carrying him, but as he turned to leave he bumped straight into the head of the company. The words were out of his mouth before he'd even taken the time to think through them.

 

“Johnny-san” he bowed “I want to resign.”


	22. June 22nd 2013

Taguchi retreated back to his corner of the dance studio, and the others didn't protest, he was too shocked by what had happened to have responded if they had anyway. He didn't mean it, or rather he did, but he really was trying and he didn't mean for it to come out that way.

 

He took a swig of his water, his eyes returning immediately to the door, wishing Ueda would just walk back through it. From the corner of his eye he could see Kame talking to the choreographer, but soon they broke away and everyone turned to find somewhere to sit and wait.

 

The minutes passed and still Ueda didn't return. Eventually Maru stood and announced that he was going to go and search for the other man, he hadn't taken even his keys so there was little chance he was going home.

 

If Taguchi knew Ueda, and at some point he had, better than anyone else knew him, he'd be off finding something to punch until his anger left him, and then he would curl up in a sad little ball and wait for someone to find him.

 

His stomach gave a slight turn at the thought of Ueda hitting things, he hadn't missed the smears of red across the wall in the parking lot of his building that morning. Part of him had known, but it still hurt him just a little to see the confirmation wrapped around Ueda's knuckles in the form of bandages.

 

But his anger was just too much. He felt like crying, only tears wouldn't come, only insults and accusations, and bitter feelings, regrets. He felt like everything was building up inside just waiting to explode, like he was on course to self-destruct.

 

There was silence as they waited, but as the clock kept ticking, there was no sign of Ueda. Maru returned some fifteen minutes later, but he was alone, and the sad shake of his head was all the explanation they needed.

 

Still nobody spoke, though the choreographer sighed a few times, and then finally, the door creaked open. All heads turned to the door expectantly, but it was just a young boy, one of the juniors, that appeared.

 

“KAT-TUN-san” he almost squeaked. “Johnny-san asked me to come down and tell you that he would like to see you all in his office right away. ” and he ducked quickly back out of the room.

 

There was a collective gasp as they all turned to each other, fear in their eyes at the thought of what the head could possibly need to see them so desperately about, and so soon after Ueda had stormed out.

 

They barely spoke as they waited in the elevator, arriving in the administration offices too quickly, still dressed in their dance clothes.

 

“I'm sorry” Taguchi quickly blurted out as they headed towards Johnny's secretary. “What ever happens now is because of me...I'm really sorry guys.”

 

He almost wanted to cry again as a gentle hand rubbed soothingly at his shoulder “Let's not freak out until we know what is happening.” and Koki offered him a small smile.

 

“Ah, thank you for coming” Johnny's secretary said, her voice entirely too cheery to fit the situation. “Taguchi-kun, he'd like to see you first, if the rest of you could please take a seat for a moment.” And with a quick smile she turned back to her computer screen.

 

He gave the other members a hopeful smile that didn't give him any courage at all, and then he took a deep breath before knocking on the office door.

 

When he entered, Ueda was sat facing an exhausted looking Johnny, only his head was down, staring intently at the floor as he sniffled and dabbed intermittently at his cheeks.

 

“Please take a seat” Johnny almost sighed, and he waited until Taguchi had sat down in the empty chair beside Ueda before continuing. “There seems to be problem...I assume you've figured out already why you're here?”

 

Taguchi swallowed hard, and slowly he shook his head. Of course he knew that Ueda must have come to Johnny and told him of their argument, but he didn't know if that was the extent of their conversation.

 

“Ueda-kun has come to me requesting to quit the agency.”

 

Even despite Ueda's words, Taguchi didn't believe that Ueda would possibly sink to this level, that he would actually try and stop their work together, to break the group apart. “Uepi...why?” he gasped.

 

“He has explained to me that, through fault of your own, the relationship between you two has become...complicated, uncomfortable to the point that Ueda-kun feels he can no longer work with you under the current conditions.”

 

“What...Uepi...no, don't....” he whispered turning his attention to Ueda. “Uepi, please...I didn't meant it, we can work something out...don't leave...” but when Ueda showed no signs of responding he turned back to Johnny “Please...you're not going to let him quit?”

 

“Ultimately, the decision isn't mine to make. I can't force Ueda-kun to work here against his will. Though obviously, it would work in my favour to find some other agreement.”

 

“I'll do anything...” Taguchi responded quickly, clinging to the hope that there is some other answer to their situation.

 

“Hhhmm” Johnny began, regarding the two of them carefully. “Taguchi-kun, can I please have your account of things...” and when Taguchi turned to Ueda he quickly added “You don't need to confer, Ueda-kun has already made his feelings clear, I would like to hear your side of the story.”

 

“Last year...” he began uncertainly. “In March...we were away on tour and there was a mix up with rooms, and we ended up sharing a room...” he glanced at Ueda, looking for any sign that he was giving away too much, but Ueda was as unresponsive as ever. He turned instead to Johnny, but his expression was just as unreadable. “We were drinking...and things got...we ended up sleeping together...”

 

“Having sexual intercourse?” Johnny clarfied.

 

“Yes” Taguchi confirmed, the words making him feel a little uneasy. “After that we kind of...just, kept...letting it happen...but then, without us even noticing we started to develop feelings for each other...I guess we must have known for some time, deep down, but by the time we finally admitted our feelings, we'd already fallen in love.”

 

He could feel a lump rising in his throat, the memories of it all coming back, not just the bitter ones of feeling their love but not being able to be together, but the simpler times, nights curled up together on the sofa, laughing at random TV shows, feeling like he had everything he could ever need.

 

“But you decided to break up?” Johnny pushed, urging him on.

 

His voice was heavier when he spoke again “Kame had warned us...he explained about what happened with him and Akanishi, and we were worried that if anyone found out we'd be forced to stop seeing each other, and we thought that it would be easier on us to just end things ourselves than to stay together and be forced apart later, when our feelings were stronger.”

 

“And that didn't work...” Johnny urged again.

 

“No...at first we were both really depressed and we kept going back to each other...but it was only making things harder, and I thought...I thought that if we tried not to be so close, it might...” he started, his voice cracking. “I thought we could stay away from each other...but it's worse.”

 

“Do you agree that the current situation is impossible to work in?”

 

He looked back to Ueda, thinking of the things that had happened between them, the fights, the cold words, the blood on the wall of the parking lot. The anger and hurt that he saw reflected back at him whenever he dared to look in Ueda's eyes. It was impossible. He broke down, tears flooding from his eyes as desperate sobs replaced his words.

 

He took a tissue from the box that Johnny offered to him, and he dabbed furiously at his eyes as he tried to calm himself enough to speak, and Johnny waited patiently until he could. “Don't let Uepi leave...let me go instead...I'm the one that's been causing so much trouble...it's my fault things are as they are...Uepi shouldn't be punished for this, please, let me quit instead...”

 

Ueda turned to him finally, surprise in his eyes, but clouded with something else, gratitude. “Junno, don't...it's ok...”

 

“It's not ok” he insisted “I've hurt you so much...the group too...”

 

“But Junno...” Ueda countered reaching out his hand for Taguchi's, but his words were interrupted by Johnny.

 

“Boys...” they both turned to him, and were surprised to find a small smile on Johnny's face. “I can see that you both still care about each other very much...” and they both nodded profusely. “That's good.” And with a long sigh he looked from their hands, still holding each other, back to their faces. “There is something I should explain to you, and then maybe again to Kame-chan since he clearly hasn't understood my intentions. I didn't stop him and Akanishi-kun from being together because I wouldn't allow a relationship between employees. I kept them apart for their own sakes.”

 

“What do you mean?” It was Ueda that asked first, but Taguchi had been thinking it too.

 

“Akanishi-kun has always been a loose canon. I don't hold anything against him, and I like him as a person. But when you've worked so closely with young men for as long as I have, you can usually tell how they are going to turn out from their personality. Akanishi-kun has always been loud and untame and a little selfish, I know very well what can happen when that kind of person is given the kind of attention and adoration that he seemed set to attain. Of course it was my intention to try and coach him through that...but you can see for yourselves what has become of him. He doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, or how it will affect those around him when there is something he wants badly enough...or even half-heartedly enough. And the relationship I saw between them was certainly not serious and whole-hearted...not from Akanishi-kun's side at least. Maybe it was selfish of me...but I didn't want to ruin the potential Kame-chan had by letting him be lead be Akanishi-kun and exposed to whatever Akanishi-kun's whims took hold of...I didn't want Kame-chan to get hurt, and to ruin his career over it, so I set a test for them. If their relationship really was strong enough to endure it...then I would have certainly given them my blessing, but you know yourselves how things turned out.”

 

“But Kame did get hurt...Akanishi lost interest in him...” Ueda protested.

 

“And how much worse do you think he would have been hurt if I'd allowed them to be together? Do you think Akanishi-kun would have been able to keep it secret? And what when the media caught hold of it? What when however many weeks, or months or years down the line...he moved onto the next thing that caught his eye...and lost interest then...how would Kame-chan feel then?”

 

It was a good point, Taguchi thought, but not the point of the conversation they were here to have. “But then...if you only kept them apart for reasons specific to them...”

 

The smile was coming back a little on Johnny's face “Really, Taguchi-kun, in the 50 years that I've been running a company based around handsome, talented boys...you think this is only the second time this kind of thing has happened?”

 

He couldn't help his mouth from gaping, but it seemed so obvious now, how could there not be others like them? “And in those cases...what happened?”

 

“That depends entirely on their role within the company...for those not in the spotlight, as it were, naturally it is a lot easier...for those, like yourselves, with a lot of media attention on them...it can be a little more difficult to handle.” Johnny replied.

 

“But there's a chance” Ueda chipped in anxiously “there's a chance that we could both stay in the group...and we could be together?”

 

“A chance” Johnny admitted “but there would be conditions...and naturally as the head of the company, my first priority is the welfare and image of the group...if your relationship would do nothing to jeopardise those, then maybe...”

 

He turned to Ueda at the same time Ueda turned to him, and the hope he was greeted with matched his own, for a moment, it was as though the last nine months hadn't happened.

 

“The most important things to ascertain first...are that the two of you want to be together badly enough to care about keeping to the conditions, and that the other members of your unit are ok with it.”

 

“We do...please...” it was Ueda's voice, small and desperate, and close to tears again.

 

“Please...” Taguchi chorused.

 

Johnny heaved a sigh. “Then I'd like the two of you to wait outside for a little while, so I can speak to the other members alone. As far as my office staff are aware, this meeting concerns a fight between the two of you...and one of the conditions to you staying in the group is that only a select few people know about you...so please act appropriately.”  



	23. June 22nd 2013

It felt like they'd been sitting there for hours, though the clock on the wall said it was closer to twenty minutes. He couldn't keep his eyes from drifting, from returning to Taguchi who was sat huddled at the other side of the waiting room, trying not to look back at him.

 

He had the feeling that it hadn't quite sunk in yet, his heart was beating too fast and he was sweating more than necessary considering he was sitting in an air-conditioned building, but he didn't think it had really sunk in yet.

 

He couldn't imagine a world where it was ok for him and Taguchi to be together. Where the other members had given their blessing, and Johnny himself had given them his blessing, and they could still work together with the group.

 

He caught Taguchi's eye again and quickly looked away, ignoring the grin he could still see from the corner of his eye.

 

Eventually the door opened and Kame came to let them know they were ready for them again. He fixed a pleading look on Kame, but Kame's face was expressionless and gave nothing away.

 

He swallowed hard as they stepped through the door, looking into the waiting faces of his friends, and a sudden swell of emotion sent tears falling down his cheeks again. Kame's hand was steady on his back as he lead him first back to the seats and then they sat down, waiting for Taguchi to take his seat beside them.

 

“Well then.” Johnny started “After a discussion with your band-mates, we've reached a conclusion...” Ueda held his breath, waiting for the result, his eyes fixed only on Johnny. “Provided that you agree to the conditions set down, the agency will support your relationship.”

 

He felt Taguchi's arms around him but he just couldn't move, he felt frozen.

 

“Tatsuya” Taguchi whispered into his ear, his voice choked with tears, and then there were soft lips, barely brushing his jaw.

 

“Now for the conditions” Johnny continued, ignoring the affectionate display “First and foremost, secrecy is vital. Nobody outside of this room, aside from your personal managers, can know about your relationship. When you're in public you must keep appropriate distance between you, and you must be discreet about meeting...Taguchi-kun, I don't think I need to remind you of the previous gossip regarding you and a certain young lady...”

 

“I'll be more careful, I promise.” Taguchi insisted.

 

“Secondly, you keep your work lives and your private lives separate. That's not to say you can't spend time alone while on tour or anything, just that while you're working you be professional, no sneaking off when you're meant to be rehearsing, or feeding each other bentos when your out on filming or photo shoots, or displays of affection beyond a normal, working relationship, and certainly no bringing personal problems to work.”

 

“Understood” Ueda nodded, it wasn't anything different from how they'd been before their break-up.

 

“I'm sure you both understand that these rules aren't specific to your relationship, nor are they stricter because you're both men...it's part of your image as Johnny's idols to appear single and attainable to any of of your fans...and to avoid any kind of scandals”

 

They both nodded, it wasn't a new conversation, Ueda had been given a similar lecture when he'd been dating Ryoko, though he never actually admitted that was a genuine relationship to the agency.

 

“And now for the agency's side of things. We will support you as much as we can, and respect your entitlement to be a couple. However...if you do get found out and there is a media scandal, the agency will take no responsibility, and depending on the circumstances, we will have to take action.”

 

“You mean we'd be fired?” Ueda asked, the reality of the situation falling back down on him again.

 

“Not necessarily” Johnny assured “It would depend entirely on the scale of the scandal. And that is where things will get a little more complicated because of the two of you being men. As you know from Taguchi-kun's former appearance in Friday, if you are suspected of engaging in a sexual relationship with a woman, society views it as juicy gossip. But even in modern Japan there are people, organisations, your own fans even, prejudiced against homosexuality, and they might not take it so lightly if you are suspected of being sexually involved with another man. And I hope you understand that, if the fans don't approve...we can't make it work. In that case we would have to discuss your options...” there was silence for a few moments as they all took the information in “Of course, as long as you stick to the two main conditions, there shouldn't be that kind of problem...Now...the question for you two is do you still want to be together if those are the restrictions of your relationship?”

 

Ueda turned to Taguchi to find that hopeful desperation in his eyes again. “Tatsuya...I love you...I know I've been a complete idiot, but if you please, just let me try...I want to make it up to you...please be with me.”

 

He wanted to think of something as emotional to say back, or something clever or funny at least, but with everything swimming around in his head, all he could manage was a nod.

 

“Good” Johnny smiled, clapping his hands together with finality. “Kame-chan, I'd like to speak to you alone for a few minutes...the rest of you can head back to your dressing room for a one hour break. Have a sit down and calm yourselves down, talk it through or whatever you need to do...within reason, and then straight back to rehearsals ok? I expect these next four concerts to be the best performances you've given in your lives.”

 

“Thank you, Johnny-san” Ueda stuttered with a deep bow, and as the others stood they each offered him a bow and a thank you. Then Kame stood up to give both Taguchi and Ueda a quick hug before they left the room.

 

They arrived back at their dressing room in silence and closed the door firmly behind them, and for a moment all that passed between them were furtive glances.

 

“Uepi...” Taguchi spoke eventually, walking towards him at the opposite end of the room, and then as he stopped in front of him, he let out a relieved sigh “Tatsuya”.

 

He wanted to rejoice, to fall into Taguchi's arms and kiss away the last nine months, but there was just one thing he needed to do first. He drew his arm back and extended it quickly, landing a hard punch in Taguchi's stomach.

 

The taller man gasped in shock and pain as he dropped to his knees, hands clutched to his stomach.

 

“You're an asshole. You've been an absolute fucking asshole.” he shouted, eyes glaring down at Taguchi's.

 

“I know...” Taguchi started, “I know...I’ve hurt you so much...baby, I'm so sor...” but Ueda cut him off with a press of his lips to Taguchi's. He drew back slowly, looking into Taguchi's eyes, and he couldn't help a smile, everything fitting into place in his mind. He leaned in to press their lips together again, his arms wrapping around Taguchi's neck as he dropped to his knees in front of Taguchi.

 

Koki gave a light cough from somewhere off to the side but neither of them looked around, too engrossed in each other's eyes and mouths.

 

“We'll go get some coffee then...” Maru tried, a slight smirk in his voice. And the door opened and closed behind them, leaving Taguchi and Ueda alone in their own little world for a moment.

 

“I love you” he whispered against Taguchi's lips as they continued to meet.

 


	24. June 26th 2013

The last four days had been a whirlwind. Only a good one. Everything in Taguchi's life felt flipped on it's head, and spinning out of control, and he'd never been happier.

 

Tears streamed down his face as he waved to the crowd just one more time, the tour finished, successfully, and certainly better than it had started.

 

“I love you” he shouted out to the fans, emotion for their smiling faces rearing up at the thought of how close he came to losing them “Thank you!!” and eventually Koki came back out to drag him backstage.

 

“We should do another encore” Ueda insisted, that sparkle finally shining from his eyes again. “So much has happened...and even if they don't know about it all, we still owe so much to them...”

 

“Baka, we've already done two encores...we can't sing anymore.” Maru interjected, but his smile was wide and playful.

 

“We'll be back next year, stronger than ever...” Koki insisted.

 

“Besides” Kame chuckled “We'll get kicked out before we get chance to shower if we keep this going much longer...Johnny-san is going to throw a fit over the length of that MC.”

 

Ueda smiled and nodded and Taguchi reached out to ruffle his hair, it wasn't what he really wanted to do, but there were staff around and so it was enough.

 

They headed back to their dressing room and gathered their things together to shower, Taguchi making sure he was at least two stalls away from Ueda to prevent any temptation.

 

The night before the first concert at the Dome, they'd gone back to Ueda's place and talked. Once things had finally sunk in for the two of them they realised that it wasn't just as easy as forgetting all the bad stuff. They had to 'air out their dirty laundry' as it were. As a result of that they'd agreed on not rushing back into things, they'd agreed to talk things through before getting into a physical relationship again.

 

Sex, it seemed, was responsible for every major turning point in their relationship, and so they agreed they had to abstain, at least until they were ready to take another turn and leave everything else behind.

 

But that wasn't to say they didn't want it, terribly and achingly so. Taguchi had found it hard enough being close to Ueda as they danced on stage, hearing the way his breath came out in pants, seeing the sweaty, flushed skin, smelling the lust and hormones reeling off of him. Really, being close to the other man, and naked was not a good idea.

 

When they were ready they all headed out for a celebration as an end to the tour. They went to their usual post tour restaurant and as expected, much drunken recounting of incidences was involved as they spent the next two hours munching their way through dish after dish, glass of beer, or cocktail following.

 

By the time they stumbled into the taxi home, Taguchi's head was swimming. Ueda, sprawled across the seat beside him, was in no better a condition, if anything he looked worse.

 

They pulled up outside Ueda's apartment, and though he knew he really shouldn't, Taguchi climbed out and paid the cab driver, before dragging Ueda out with him and helping him up the stairs.

 

Ueda fished his keys from his pocket and clumsily unlocked the door, stumbling through it and dragging Taguchi is behind him. He followed Ueda over to the sofa where the older man flopped down, Taguchi moved to sit beside him and was greeted with an almost shy kiss.

 

He smiled back just as nervously, and then glanced back at the kitchen door, which Ueda's dogs were barking from behind. He reached a hand out to caress Ueda's cheek, taking in for a moment the silent beauty of it. “You should get to bed...” he whispered “I'll take care of the dogs and then get a taxi home.”

 

He turned to get up before Ueda could respond, but Ueda's hand clung to his sleeve, stopping him from moving. “Stay...please?”

 

He felt torn. Everything inside him screaming to comply, to carry Ueda along the hallway to his bedroom and lose himself there in Ueda's embrace. But he knew he couldn't mess things up, not this time, not when it was so important to their future relationship. “Not tonight...”

 

Nothing had prepared him for the intensity in Ueda's eyes “Please...I miss you...I just want you to hold me”

 

He groaned with the force of fighting his feelings, and slumped back down onto the sofa, Ueda's hands clutched in his. “Baby, we need to take things slowly...”

 

Ueda nodded “We don't have to do anything...Just...you're my boyfriend...I want to wake up with you in the mornings.”

 

His chest felt close to bursting, whether from Ueda's incredibly sweet admission or from his use of the word 'boyfriend' he couldn't be sure. There was really no resisting that. “Ok...but just cuddling ok? Promise?”

 

“Promise” Ueda nodded, his slightly drunken smile a little wonky.

 

“Now you go get yourself tucked into bed, do the dogs need walking? Or just feeding?”

 

“If you could just take them across to the grassy patch over the road.” Ueda requested, a light pout on his lips that Taguchi couldn't resist kissing away.

 

“Ok.” he smiled, pressing another gentle kiss onto Ueda's “I won't be long.”

 

He watched as Ueda made his way down the hallway to his bathroom and then he grabbed the dog leads before sneaking into the kitchen. He was secretly pleased at the response he got from them, they were whining, and jumping up to lick at his neck and face, as though greeting an old friend.

 

He slipped on the leashes and took them quickly over to the other side of the road and back. He placed down food for them and shut them safely away in the kitchen again before poking his head into Ueda's bedroom, only to hear the other man already snoring lightly.

 

With a smile he headed back into the bathroom to take a quick shower, and then slipped back along to the bedroom, sneaking into bed behind Ueda.

 

He pressed in against Ueda's back, exhaling with the relief of feeling that closeness again, and nuzzled his nose into Ueda's damp hair.

 

Ueda let out a sleepy whine and gripped onto Taguchi's arms, pushing them away just enough to turn around in his hold, wrapping his free arm tightly around Taguchi's waist and snuggling into the crook of his neck.

 

“Love you Junno” he murmured, pressing a gentle kiss against his clavicle.

 

Taguchi pulled him tighter to his body, pressing a kiss into his hair. “Love you, baby.”


	25. June 27th 2013

He woke to the sound of dogs barking. It should have annoyed him, but the realisation of what that meant, more specifically where that meant he was, made it impossible to feel anything but giddy happiness.

 

Ueda groaned from somewhere down by his abs, and then crawled out from under the covers.

 

“Stupid dogs” Ueda muttered, but Taguchi just chuckled.

 

“I'll go see what they want...”

 

“No” Ueda protested grumpily, wrapping his arms around Taguchi's torso.

 

Taguchi laughed again but pushed him off “I promise I'll be back soon”

 

“Ok...” Ueda reluctantly agreed and Taguchi climbed out of the bed and padded along the hallway to open the kitchen door.

 

The dogs rushed him once they were free, half of them clambering all over him while the others rushed along the hallway to greet their master.

 

Taguchi followed them back, and climbed back under the covers, fighting off two retrievers to get snuggled up to Ueda again.

 

Ueda laughed at his efforts, but once he was back in his rightful place, he was rewarded with a gentle kiss and a wide smile. “This is how it should be” Ueda whispered, pressing another gentle kiss onto Taguchi's lips. “Waking up with you, then spending lazy mornings cuddled up in bed together, with all the kids.”

 

“That sounds nice” Taguchi whispered back, shuffling a little closer and wrapping his arms around Ueda's body again, connecting their lips.

 

They lay in silence for a while, sharing and occasional lazy kiss, but then Taguchi's phone beeped and he leaned over to pick it up from the bedside table. It was a text, which he quickly typed out a response to before turning back to Ueda with a slightly guilty pout.

 

“What?” Ueda asked a little uneasily.

 

“I'm meeting Mayu-chan today...just to end things...”

 

Ueda's brow furrowed a little “Can't you just text her, or call or something.”

 

Taguchi nodded “I could...but...she's been really nice, and reasonable to me. I think I owe her more than that...”

 

“You don't have any feelings for her though...do you?” Ueda asked, and the tone of his voice screamed insecurity.

 

“I don't...not like that at least, but she's been a good friend to me, when you were all mad at me and I felt alienated from you all, Mayu-chan was there for me...I at least owe her an apology and a 'Thank you'.”

 

Ueda nodded slowly but he looked unconvinced “But you're not going to do anything with her again...”

 

“Of course not” Taguchi pouted “From now on I'm yours, entirely.” And he lifted his hand to remind Ueda of the ring now sitting back in its place on his finger. “I swear I'm just going to talk to her, and tell her I won't be seeing her again...then I'll be right back here with you, where I belong.”

 

He received a message shortly from Mayuko, confirming that she'd be at his apartment soon to meet him, and so Taguchi reluctantly got up and ready and made his way back home.

 

Mayuko arrived right on time and Taguchi lead her in and over to the sofa before nervously offering her a drink, he was pleased that she requested tea as it gave him an extra few minutes to figure how exactly to say it.

 

But the time came soon enough and, after setting down two cups of tea on table in front of them, he sat down beside her and turned to her.

 

“What's going on with you Guchi?” she asked a little concerned “You look like you're about to tell me you ran over my dog or something...”

 

He laughed a little, but then swallowed hard as he shook his head. “I need to break it off with you...”

 

Her face fell a little, but she just nodded “Ok...”

 

“It's not you...” he quickly added, but he couldn't help the smile forming on his face as he continued “I got back together with my ex...”

 

She looked a little surprised and her eyes immediately flitted down to his ring. “Really?” then her lips quirked up into a small smile too “That's great...I'm really happy for you...”

 

“You are?” Taguchi asked, a little more hopeful than it had meant to sound.

 

“Of course, silly. I told you didn't I, that I just wanted you to be happy? It doesn't change that I like you...but it's because I like you that I wouldn't want to get in the way of you being happy...and I know you were never happy with me...”

 

He couldn't lie about that. “That wasn't your fault though...it was nothing to do with you, I just couldn't get over my ex...”

 

She nodded easily “I know, I understand...and I'm sorry for the trouble I caused...I know that I added extra strain between the two of you...it was kind of selfish of me really...”

 

Taguchi was shaking his head before she'd even finished. “I was the one being selfish, you were just doing what you thought was best for me...and I appreciate that. I'm really glad that I had you to turn too...you've been really understanding...”

 

But Mayuko was shaking her head this time, laughing a little “How about we agree we were both a little selfish then...but it's not important now, if you can both forgive and forget or whatever...then that's all that matters...”

 

Taguchi couldn't help his smile then “Yeah...I think this could be it...we went to the agency and everything is all sorted out...and we're starting over and doing things properly...”

 

Mayuko's smile looked genuine “I'm glad. You clearly belong together...and actually, maybe I should mention now, that towards the end there was someone else for me too...” Taguchi's eyes widened a little, but it was only in surprise. “It wasn't really that serious...and since we decided that things between us were open...but, I think it might be worth giving things a go with him.”

 

Taguchi smiled “That's good...I wish you the best of luck.”

 

“You too.” Mayuko smiled, picking up her tea and drinking most of it one go. “I should probably get out of here...you probably have a lot of lost time to make up for...”

 

“Yeah I guess.” Taguchi laughed, thrilled with how things had turned out.

 

“But I'm warning you now” Mayuko continued with a smirk as she picked up her bag and stood up “I don't know how things ended up the way they did, and it's none of my business...but if he hurts you that badly again, I'll personally kick his ass, even if he is a boxer.”

 

His heart stopped. Mayuko noticed his reaction and her brow furrowed a little, but Taguchi stood up, moving around to face her, a serious expression on his face as he gripped her arms to hold her still. “How long have you known?”

 

She looked a little startled, but he needed to sort things out, nobody was supposed to know. “Not long...” she stuttered “About a month, maybe...”

 

He gripped her arms tighter involuntarily “How...how did you find out...?”

 

Her brows knitted together a little “Guchi calm down, let me go...” and she gently shook her arms to try and dislodge his hands.

 

The moment he realised what he was doing he let go, taking a step back, but as it sunk it started to scare him...what if anyone else knew... “Please...I need to know...if anyone finds out about us...”

 

“Idiot” she muttered, rubbing her arms a little “I'd suspected for a while...just the way he was around me...the way you were around him and how you tried so hard not to say his name, subtle things you said...but what really gave it away was when you said his name in bed...” she finished with obvious look. “I'm pretty sure your secret is safe...”

 

Now that she's said it, it seemed obvious, he'd always wondered about that night...about what exactly had come out of his mouth, but he'd been too scared to ask. He hung his head a little in shame “You...you won't tell anyone will you?”

 

“Idiot” she reprimanded again, but there was a soft smile on her face “Why would I tell anyone?”

 

He'd thrown his arms around her before he'd even thought about doing it. “Thank you Mayu-chan.”

 

She laughed and pushed him away “What? You think I would have told anyone even if you hadn't asked me not to? What kind of a friend would that make me huh?”

 

He shook his head, unable to hide his smile again “You had me so worried...”

 

“Yeah...I was planning on winding you up a little with it, but I didn't expect you to go all crazy on me...”

 

“Sorry” he replied sheepishly, but Mayuko waved it off.

 

“I get it...I know how important it is to keep it secret...and I promise I will, ok? So don't worry about it.”

 

He nodded “I appreciate it.”

 

She nodded back “Anyway, I'll go...” and he walked her to the door.

 

After closing it behind her, he wandered back inside and slumped back down onto the sofa. He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialled Ueda's number.

 

He couldn't keep the smile out of his voice when Ueda answered “I've done it” he informed him “Everything will be ok now...I'm all yours. Finally.”


End file.
